The Change

Where was I? Oh yes, the change. When we got married, there was an almost imperceptible change in my way of thinking. For the first time, I felt that if I wanted to have children I could. Now I know a lot of people are fine with having children before being married and I understand that. As I mentioned before though, with my religious beliefs and background, it just didn’t work for me. Maybe that’s why I never really thought of having children, I didn’t see it as an option.  But now… now things were different.

The possibility was suddenly there and like it or not, I had to face it. And as they say, I’m not getting any younger. I know people are having children well into their 40s with no problems. And no matter how many times I told myself to just wait until we were ready, the ticking sound of the clock was getting louder. My internal struggle wasn’t really about the timetable thing, it was about whether I really wanted to have children.

I mean I’ve always been good with kids. I was one of those teenagers who babysat for money when growing up. Even in my mid twenties parents had me help out since I was considered “responsible” and could drive myself home afterwards (having the dad drive you home at the end of a long night was always the most awkward part of babysitting, bar none).

But being good with kids and wanting some of your own are two different things. For one thing, I’m concerned that my tolerance of them has lessened over the years. Maybe it’s from living in the city and doing the “single girl” thing. You don’t see a lot of kids at the fancy restaurants or shows, and as a result, they really haven’t been part of my world for a while. So when we’re at the supermarket and a high-pitched squeal hits my ears (the ones that only dogs should be able to hear) I tend to wince and say “Can’t they make her stop that?” Or when we’re at church and I hear a loud “whack” against the back of my chair, I inevitably turn around and raise my eyebrows at the parent. I know, it’s terrible isn’t it?

Hopefully you’re getting a sense of how hard it seems for me to overcome this mindset and suddenly want to add to population. And that’s only one of the concerns I have. Trust me, there are many. For example, what do you do with them if you have to go to the bathroom? What happens if they don’t stop crying? Will I be the only one changing diapers? (I’ve been assured that this won’t be the case…) And the big one: will I be a good parent?

These are the questions that began swirling around in my mind on a regular basis as soon as I said “I do.” I assumed that I would automatically feel this insatiable desire to reproduce. I mean, I was changed wasn’t I? I was now officially a married woman. Time to get things moving.

Ah…if only things were that simple.