It’s All About Timing

Sometimes I start thinking these kinds of thoughts when I try to decide if it’s the right time for me to have a child. But your intuition at the end of the post is right — the timing will never be ‘perfect’ and you will never have everything in your life so well-arranged that you’ll feel prepared for a baby. The thing is, a whole lot of people do actually have babies either accidentally, or without sufficient planning. And those kids turn out fine, if the parents are committed to doing their very best no matter what the circumstances are. Plus, circumstances can change just like that — you could get your life perfectly in order, have a child, and then the stock market crashes, or your company downsizes, or whatever. I don’t have any kids yet, but I’m pretty sure that being a parent means accepting that risk, and committing to taking care of your family anyway.

I also empathize with your desire to know what to expect from pregnancy, and how it will go, and when. But your kid will turn out fine, no matter what month he’s born in. It sounds like you’re putting alot of real and made-up fears and obstacles in your own way – for example, as long as your current weight is healthy, you don’t need to worry about reaching your ‘perfect’ weight first.

I went through all of this, too. Had all of the same thoughts as you a few years ago. Then we couldn’t get pregnant and started down the fertility treatment route and the only timing that matter was “right now”! And then we were blessed with twins. And our whole lives were turned upside down. Now we’ve sort of gone back to basics, moved out of Brooklyn and to the country, I don’t have time to work, and 3 days before my 40th birthday I discovered I’m pregnant again. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow, because that’s all you can do!

And in the end, it’s not the timing that matters, but the cuddly, cooing, sweet smelling little baby.

I can relate to the weight concerns. Here’s my two cents…Go ahead and try! I have a one year-old and another on the way. I am planning to get down to my goal weight after I’m done having kids. Pregnancy changes your body, so I figured if I was going to do all that work, it should stick!
I wish you all the best, I’ve enjoyed reading your thoughts. Also, I used the BBT method for my first child, and got pregnant after two months of trying. http://www.fertilityfriend.com is a great tool. Couldn’t use the BBT method this time, I don’t get enough sleep!

I could’ve written this post two years ago. I was in the EXACT same frame of mind as you. Even the part about getting skinny before getting pregnant! LOL

I empathize with where you are at and there probably isn’t anything that anyone can tell you to help. I know for me, I just had to do it even though I knew I wasn’t ready. I put my faith in my husband who said “it will be fine”, held my breath and jumped in.

I can’t tell you how right he was. I needed that push from him. I needed to ‘just do it anyway’. My son has been such a blessing. I enjoy life more now than I ever have.

So, if your future self could tell your present self to do something, it would be to “Go for it”!

Good luck! You won’t be disappointed.

What you said really resonated with me… bear with me, this might be a bit convoluted. We’re almost the same age (I’m 38), and my sons are 17 and 20. When I was expecting my first one, my parents and family were “freaking out” and I was all like “what’s the big deal? everyone has kids… how hard can it be?”. Well, twenty years later, I have the answer – darn hard, but worth every minute!

As I got older, and realized exactly what I had gotten myself into, I also realized that had I done things in a more traditional manner and attemped to plan for having a family when I was older and more stable, then it may have never happened, and I would have missed out on what has been the best part of my life.

So, just in case I get a vote, go for it! From what I’ve read on your blog, you seem like a very capable, sensible, and down to earth person – in other words, ideally suited for the title of “mom”. Good luck, and I hope I’ll soon be reading exciting news here.

I just commented on another post where you asked for pregnancy stories. I left something out of mine that I think will be helpful for you to know.

My sister has 9 kids. I have one. She started in her early twenties. I started when I was 36. Amazingly, Amelia was conceived without any help at all, but had I known then what I know now about fertility and age, I would have been doubly shocked when she was finally conceived.

People tell you all the time not to worry about getting pregnant, that women in their 40′s have kids all the time. Yes, they do. However, the greater likelihood is that they have had some sort of fertility help – either with drugs that induce more eggs to drop or using someone else’s eggs. Your uterus doesn’t age but your eggs do. My own fertility doctor (yes, I go to one now) has told me that my body is unusually responsive to the drugs, so he will continue to see me as a patient at 43. He mentioned that only once before in 15 years of practice has he had a woman my age get pregnant without IVF or using donor eggs. He’s a very reputable doctor in Savannah.

I tell you all this not to scare you, but to ask you to educate yourself on the science. Had I known then what I know now, there were lots of steps I would have taken to make sure that we were able to have a baby. If you really want to do it in your timing and not your body’s timing, then harvest your eggs, inseminate them and hold them until you are ready. You’re welcome to email me if you have questions.

I also felt as you did…. never had kids on the radar, slowly changed my mind with my husband pushing me about it… never felt ready. You never are ready, really. When we found out we were pregnant the first time, it was both scary and exhilarating. My husband jumped up and down, then calmed down and told me he felt sick to his stomach! The second time, knowing how awesome it would be, we were thrilled beyond belief. As practical as you sound, you will never get to the point where all the stars are lined up perfectly in order for you to have this child.

And if you really want to lose weight, breast feed. I was 20# overweight having this baby – I weighed 198 and am 5’10″. I was 228 when I gave birth; I was 200# 3 weeks later, and within 6 weeks I was 178#. All I did was put her changing table and crib upstairs and nurse her. I constantly ran up and down stairs changing her and putting her down for a nap. It was the best I’d looked in years, plus my tatas were gorgeous!

I hope you don’t mind me being so bold in talking about your very personal decision in being pregnant. I would just hate for you to miss out on your window of opportunity. You will never regret having a child, no matter when that child comes.

Oh just do it. You’re going to get older anyway, have a couple kids to keep you young. It’s the best job in the world, the most frustrating and when they’re gone, the loneliest. But if you do it right, you put yourself out of business. Someone else said there is no good time to be pregnant. I weigh 110, gained 45 lbs with both of them and lost it all. Open season on food. Good food, not junk. Oh my. Ate like a piggggggggy. My family laughed. It was good.

Tabitha,
I love your blog. I know what you mean about being worried about getting married and starting a family after 35. I’m 34 and have no boyfriend/husband prospects. I’d love to have a family. Just when I start to lose hope, I hear something that encourages me. Today, it’s your blog. I LOVE my life. I get to travel LOTS. But I want a husband and family too. So when I’m praying for me, I’ll add a word or two for you!

Greetings:

Found you thru your comment on Leo’s site (Zen Habits). Glad to see that things seem to be working pretty well for you.

As background, I’m an engineer – one of the nit-picky kinds who has to think about every thing that could possibly happen. Getting married wasn’t too difficult, but I was the one dragging feet when it came to kids. I (like so many others here) finally realized that if I were to wait until I (and everything else) was “ready”, I’d be too old to do anything about it. Now at 46 years old (my wife is just a little younger than I am), we have an 11 year old boy and a 6.5 (can’t forget the “and a half”) year old girl. Yeah, your life will change, but you’re either growing or you are dying.

We had some problems getting pregnant, it turned out my wife had a mild reaction to cow’s milk – not enough to notice from the outside, but enough to complicate her pregnancy. It resulted in several “almost” (test says ‘yes’ but a week later the test says ‘no’) and a ‘blighted sac’. She found and read a book on diet and pregnancy and eventually determined (by process of elimination) what it was, and was pregnant within a month of the discontinuation of ‘moo juice’. The book is “The Infertility Diet” and it can be found at Amazon here: (don’t know how well a URL will show up here)

http://www.amazon.com/Infertility-Diet-Pregnant-Prevent-Miscarriage/dp/1893290395

Best of luck, and keep the faith…

PS – Don’t forget – if all else fails, there is always adoption – we have many relatives who were ‘selected’ into the family… The best story was my brother-in-law, who got 1 hour notice that there was a baby available (to be their first kid). They had no nursery, no clothes, no nothing. All they had was a mother-in-law with a credit card. That was one happy grandma-to-be…

My partner and I have been trying for our first baby for over 4 years now and have yet to be successful. We have undergone several rounds of IVF and each time the embryo was rejected by my body. I have tried several other alternative remedies such as the miracleofpregnancy.com which was useful but did not work for us. A friend of ours whom is in a similar position has tried the Pregnancy Miracle which has worked for them on the first attempt, we are really happy for them both as they too have been trying for nearly as long as ourselves. Has anyone else ever tried this or is it just coincidence do you think?