Reserving Judgment
Thu, Mar 26, 2009
My job as a dog walker has been opening a lot of doors. And I mean that literally. When I accept a new dog-walking appointment, I’m given the keys to the client’s home. Since I often drive around the area where we live and wonder what different apartment buildings or certain houses look like inside, the ability to actually see inside some of these places has definitely been one of the perks of the job. What I didn’t realize is that I would also get a rather intimate look at people’s lives.
It’s not intentional of course. I certainly don’t go anywhere I’m not supposed to or peek in anything that’s not open. But it’s kind-of hard to ignore the things that are right there for the world (or the dog-walker) to see.
Take, for instance, the house where I recently dog-sat every morning and evening for a week. It was immaculate. It was full of beautiful, modern furnishings and it was clean – oh it was so pretty! Compare that to the house where I am now working. From the outside it looks like a lovely, traditional and large home. Inside, however, is another story. I know of no other way to say it so I’m just going to say it: the place is a mess! There are dirty dishes in the sink and empty bottles littering the floor and stacks of paper everywhere. I’ve been going for a week now and while I can tell that people are there during the day, it never changes.
I mention this because I want to explain the epiphany I had because of this experience. I was telling the CPA about this job and about the way the house is in complete disarray. As we were talking, it suddenly occurred to me - I have no idea what the client’s circumstances are. For all I know, there was a recent divorce and the house is inhabited by some newly-single guy who doesn’t have a clue how to clean a house. Or, perhaps the parents went out of town and left a couple of teenagers to run the show, while the parents have no clue that the kids are destroying the place. I mean there are lots of explanations for why the house looks like it does and it is not for me to judge.
The CPA and I discussed how the lives of the various people that allow me into their home are then open for interpretation. He said similar things can be said of other professions: tax preparers, hair stylists, mortgage brokers, and even the garbage men — all of these people see a certain aspect of the lives of their clients. And they probably make judgments about those people based on what they see. But it isn’t the whole picture, rather, it’s just a piece.
I’m glad that this experience happened as it was very eye-opening. I realized that I certainly wouldn’t want someone else to take a look at my house or my nails or my bank statement and rush to judgment. Because I know that that is not the whole picture and honestly, it’s really not fair.
So the next time I visit a house that is messy and unkempt, I will try to keep in mind that I don’t know the whole story and that it is not my place to judge. Besides, I never know when the tables will be reversed and someone will be judging me.
What situations do you find that you rush to judgment? Or, do you feel that people sometimes judge you?
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Tags: judgment, opinions, perceptions
March 26th, 2009 at 5:00 am
Hee. I was wondering just yesterday what the librarian was thinking as I checked out my large and varied bag of books. And if she could see my check out history, the picture only gets weirder
But really, I feel most judged out in public with my kids. And that is the time I get the most comments from strangers. It is constantly amazing to me the things that people think are their business: the age difference between my kids, my decision to bottle feed, the cloth diapers, etc. I’ve had negative comments from strangers about all those things.
The times I FEEL most judged (without anyone saying a word) … in public with a tantrum-throwing two-year-old.
Joanna´s last blog post..Lions And Tigers And Bears, OH MY!
March 26th, 2009 at 5:26 am
I remember having the same feelings when I was teaching. I taught special ed, so I spent more time with my students and met all their parents. I frequently spoke to them on the phone and wrote about the kids every afternoon. It was hard sometimes not to judge, when you saw things, but usually, if you dug a little deeper, you found that regardless of whatever else was going on they truly loved their kids. The parent who was difficult in the meeting, just wanted to be sure his child got everything that we could give. When I tried, no matter how bad it looked, to see that there was a plausible reason for the problem, it was much easier to work with parents.
Kristy´s last blog post..Strong Willed
March 26th, 2009 at 6:22 am
Such a great post….we all need to hear this. It’s so easy to pass judgement on others even when you know hardly anything about them. Thank you for this, it was definetely an encouragement and challenge to keep giving people more grace
Briony´s last blog post..high rise
March 26th, 2009 at 6:24 am
Good point! I find myself judging others when I’m standing in a long line. My goal is one day to actually TALK to the people in line instead of sizing them up…
The Wife of Odie´s last blog post..come here, junior
March 26th, 2009 at 6:54 am
What a great thought provoking post! Being a shy and mostly quiet(unless I know you) kind of person, I have been judged many times. People have told me, after getting to know me, that they had thought I was aloof and a complete b**** because I didn’t talk much. I am actually a very easy going person who loves to laugh and have fun. My quiet personality just doesn’t broadcast that like the stronger personalities do. Seeing how easy it was for them to misjudge me makes it easy for me to not judge others.
Sabrina´s last blog post..Feeling Better
March 26th, 2009 at 6:56 am
I sometimes feel judged for being married at such a young age. It is probably me just being too concerned about what others think of me though.
I would like to say I don’t judge people but of course that is not true. In fact it is a goal of mine to be less judgmental. I can be really bad.
Jill´s last blog post..wayyy back wednesday: vol. 2
March 26th, 2009 at 7:37 am
My career took me into many different homes as well. It always amazed me that some people just didn’t see the mess and clutter. I remember one client that wanted to show me something in their bedroom and when I walked in I was almost speechless. On top of the dresser there was stacks of mail from the last year. Stuff everywhere. You really can’t judge a book by its cover. One house we looked at that was on the market actually had dog poop all over the den! The owners were home and just didn’t see it as a problem. Needless to say, that home was taken off the list.
I think that one of my strong points is that I really didn’t judge. As an insurance agent, I knew a lot about my customers. Just think about it. You call your agent when you buy a car, sell a car, buy a home, sell a home, get a divorce, get married, when the kids are born and when they leave home. Also, sadly, when someone dies. You are just so intertwined with these people that you come to know that sometimes you become insurance agent/therapist (to a degree) expressing sympathy for bad things and joy for good things. My career really taught me not to judge.
Carol´s last blog post..Honey, will you paint our bedroom?
March 26th, 2009 at 8:09 am
When I was a little kid, my dad’s car was stolen. The car ended up being abondoned and eventually the police called to say it was found. They also forewarned my dad that the crooks completely trashed my dad’s car. So we go and pick up the car, only to find that the crooks didn’t trash the car, it was my dad’s own mess!! Needless to say, he got rid of the garbage (mostly bags and containers from fast food restaurants) and got his car detailed.
That event must have had a big affect on me, because I always keep my car clean!!
Jenny´s last blog post..A humongous accomplishment (in my book anyway)
March 26th, 2009 at 8:18 am
I think that’s a great way to look at our surroundings in general!
March 26th, 2009 at 8:25 am
that makes me wonder what my dog walker thinks of me!
Kate´s last blog post..She Says… Blogging About Blogs
March 26th, 2009 at 8:30 am
I was thinking about this yesterday as I frantically tried to clean and organize my upstairs in preparation for a Social Worker visit (thanks to my husbands ex). I wanted her to think I was always this clean and organized and therefore the best mom ever. It didn’t help that my oldest got home from school the same time the SW was there and said “Wow! You cleaned!”
March 26th, 2009 at 9:08 am
That is so awesome to read, Tabitha. And so true. Thanks for posting this!
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March 26th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Joanna – That made me laugh. I was dogwalking yesterday (which is no comparison an actual child of course) but the dog started barking and going crazy when it saw other dogs around. I was so embarrassed! I wanted to apologize to the owners and tell them that it wasn’t my dog. So I can understand what you mean.
Kristy – good for you. I would imagine it would be really important in that situation to have to keep an open mind. It would be hard too, I’m sure.
Briony & WofOdie – I hope it helps. I have to admit I am embarrassed to let everyone know what I was thinking. It’s definitely easy to rush to judgment, and it’s a lot harder not to.
Sabrina – I can totally relate! I think that people automatically label other people based on how they come across during an initial meeting. It’s so hard to find those labels, isn’t it?
Jill – I hear you on that one too! I sometimes wonder if people judge me because I married later in life (36) and because my husband is 17 years older than me. I can’t help but wonder if people think things about me because of it.
Jenny – I have to say that your story made me laugh even though I’m sure it wasn’t funny for your dad! I’m glad they found the car though!
Kristina – yeah, the trick is to always keep it in mind. That’s the hard part.
Kate – ha!!
Jana – so funny, don’t you just love kids?!? Hope the visit went well! At least your place is clean now.
thanks Eryn!!
March 26th, 2009 at 11:05 am
What a great post, and I think its very wise to not automatically jump to conclusions though its so easy to. Man, I really wonder what my hair stylist thinks of me when I hadn’t had my hair down in over 4 months, lol
Jenna @ Newlyweds´s last blog post..Meet the Newlyweds Kay & B
March 26th, 2009 at 11:43 am
Grace. It’s the most loving thing we can extend. Glad you do.
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March 26th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
I think most (if not all) people judge at some point or another, but I think it’s okay as long as people retain the ability to take a step back and realize what they’re doing. I have a huge tendency of jumping to conclusions, so I always try to do my best to get a second, third, or tenth impression, before I open my big mouth.
Anneli´s last blog post..If I say “525 600 minutes,” you say…
March 26th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Working in sales, I have to be very careful of this exact thing. You just never know who people are really, even though we make snap judgments about people based on their bank statements or the way they dress or talk. “Everyone is a prospect” and “The ones YOU think won’t buy often are the ones who will” are continuously reinforced. I think it is an old “evolutionary” thing that just never died away. That saber-tooth tiger might be just a big love of a kitty, but if you stick around to find out you might get eaten too.
Once a woman walked into our office whom I was certain was a crazy bag lady who had wandered in by mistake. She smelled awful and looked worse and was kind of mumbly. But the other people in the office greeted her and sat her down to discuss her policies and answer her questions. Turns out not only was she one of our clients, but she had a ton of money. She had won a multi-million dollar settlement from a chemical company years ago, because she was one of the first women to have sued this company when her breast implants had gone bad. And here I would have completely dismissed her!
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March 26th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
I try my darnest not to judge. Anyone. For any reason. Cause really, it’s not my place to judge.
But boy sometimes I worry about what people would think if they saw my house. Granted, it’s really not that bad for the average person/family. But I let it get a little too out of hand for myself sometimes.
This weekend is a thorough cleaning weekend. Boo…
Courtney´s last blog post..Meat and Potato-less
March 26th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Excellent post!
March 26th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
This is exactly why I wouldn’t hire a dog walker. I’d have to spend two weeks cleaning every nook and cranny of my house before I could have them come over. I think I’d do the same if I hired a cleaning lady and that would really defeat the purpose!
Good post. I think it’s easy to pass judgement on people. I find myself doing that with people’s homes – the outsides. That’s just not really fair though.
I’m sure people pass judgement on me too, but I’m glad I don’t know about what.
-FringeGirl
the domestic fringe´s last blog post..Chicken Dancing My Way Into The Slow Cooker
March 26th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
That is so true… what a great insight from it! Thanks for sharing. There have been many times where I’ve been quick to judge, and then realize that I’m judging off the little I can see. We always seem to be quick to judge other by their actions and want others to judge us by our intentions. I’m working on that myself!
~Tabitha~
freshmommyblog.com
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March 26th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
Jenna – ha! I do the same thing when I go to mine – I’m always giving her excuses as to why I haven’t been when what I really don’t say is that it’s so expensive I can’t afford to go often!!
Robynn – eloquently stated!
Anneli – great comment and a good reminder to think before we speak!
Erin – what a great story! I’m glad that it worked out too – it’s experiences like those that really make us think, isn’t it?
Courtney – I know, my house is a mess right now! I’m definitely not one to point fingers. I makes me wonder what people would think if they could see it!
Sandy – thanks!!
Domestic Fringe – Ha!! You sound like my aunt who did the exact same thing. She’d clean before the cleaning lady came!
Tabitha Blue – that’s all we can do really, which is just keep working on ourselves I guess.
It sure helps to have great comments like these!
March 26th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
What a great post! I used to deliver furniture and appliances to lots of different homes, so I got to see how a lot of people lived. It can be really easy to judge because from all appearances, some people live like pigs. I remember walking out of some houses feeling like I needed a shower. But, we should not judge until we have walked a mile in their shoes. So easy to say and so hard to do. Besides, cleanliness and orderliness is relative. The way I live would probably be appalling to some neat freak. Thanks for the reminder about trying not to judge.
March 26th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
Whew! You’re welcome in my home, then – it’s always a mess!
.
We only clean when company’s coming, and that wouldn’t include the nanny/dog walker, etc
Interpret as they may!
Ali @ Kent Chronicles´s last blog post..the Poetry of Life – #004
March 29th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
I do not typically feel that people jump to conclusions about me – and when they do? They’re probably, to some extent, whether I like it or not, a little bit right. And for every negative judgment that makes it back to my ears, there’s a positive one. I would hate to be the sort of person who was willing to accept compliments people make without seeing the whole picture (pleasant, thoughtful, intelligent) without being willing to accept the more negative observations people make without seeing the whole picture (brash, manipulative, arrogant). I figure that people come to a conclusion for a REASON and that it is my job to determine what the reason is and determine whether or not I feel it is appropriate (obviously, there are some instances wherein compliments and offenses are both inappropriate) and whether or not I agree. Feedback – even the negative stuff – gives me insight into whether or not I really am the person I think I am and I want to be. To some extent, at least.
That said, I’m also probably the first person in line to ignore the negative stuff people say. So you may wish to disregard everything I just said lol.
As for things that make me judge: um, the list is too long to put here. I try to reserve judgment, I really do, but I think to some extent it’s human nature to look at someone and go “wow, they’ve really got their shit together,” or (on the flip side) “what is the matter with that moron?” There’s nothing wrong with thinking these things, especially if you try to temper it, it’s just common sense and common courtesy not to always say that stuff out loud.
Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com´s last blog post..A bright new day.
March 30th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
OH MY GOD. I’ve been meaning to blog about this very thing!
I confess: I’m a Peeping Tom! Whenever I’m walking the pug I peer into people’s windows. It’s borderline harassment. I know I’m a reporter, and by nature, a nosy kid. But MAN, do I love spying on people.
As for judging, I hate to say it, but we all do it. Anyone who says they don’t judge is lying to themselves. Ain’t no shame in it either, as long as we know when to keep our mouths shut. If we didn’t judge other people, we’d be opinion-less droids.
How do people judge ME? Let me ask Joe.
He said: “Friendly, with a curious type of genius that is totally not self-aware. People probably think you have a good head on your shoulders, which is usually adorned with a headband.”
Wowzas. Curious type of genius? Someone’s getting laid tonight!
Heidi´s last blog post..There’s fairy dust on my keyboard.
March 31st, 2009 at 8:24 am
Heidi, you should definitely hang on to this Joe guy. I’d have to bribe Donald if I wanted to hear that I was a curious type of genius. Like make bacon every morning for a year.
Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com´s last blog post..25 Weeks: Them’s child-bearing hips.
March 31st, 2009 at 8:48 am
Alzo – I need the reminder too!
Ali – I know the feeling. I used to clean when my sister came over, not so much anymore. Now our new brother-in-law knows how we really live!
Sarah – you’re probably right, there may be some truth to what people are thinking. I guess the key is to not be hurt by it or, as the person observing, not hurt others with our judgments.
Heidi – ha! I agree with Sarah – that Joes is a keeper! And don’t worry, I’m a Peeping Tom too. I can’t help it, I just have to see how other people live! Judgment or not!
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:07 am
You make an excellent point and reminds each of us that we need to remember a couple of old sayings: you can’t judge a book by its cover and don’t judge lest you be judged. I think also that another fits the ticket here – you don’t know until you walk in another’s shoes.
Often in life I’ve experienced many times in various positions I’ve held where I was called upon to visit homes. It’s been truly amazing to me because often I was in total shock with how people live their lives within their homes. Not what I’d made up my mind by their outward appearances.
I learned early in life that you don’t know the “why’s” and “reasons” for anything until you’re living it or doing it yourself. Why did the cashier snap at you? Is she that sort of person to do so each day or had she had a dead battery when she was preparing to go to work? Was the home I saw messy and unkept because the homemaker just doesn’t care or enjoy housework or she’d been up with a sick baby for 3 days straight and her husband is out of town?
I think the greatest lesson I’ve learned is not to judge. We can still “think” our own thoughts and wonder a bit, but not judge and certainly not speak of our thoughts to others. Judging and gossiping are two things that we definitely should not participate in.
April 6th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Lovely post Tabitha! This is a challenge that I think about and work on every day!
I have gotten pretty good at stopping and thinking because my motto has always been “never assume”. It allows me to keep open-minded and it keeps me from judging people or situations.
I try to sway others to do the same. It serves to work well in a lot of situations like sexism, racism, classicism, etc.
I am so glad you wrote about this; thanks!
(Btw, I am letting everyone know that I’ve changed my site URL, so you’ll have to go here: http://thetravelingletters.blogspot.com/ to read me
Love Letters to an American Soldier´s last blog post..Sunni Uprising in Baghdad
April 7th, 2009 at 7:11 am
It is more difficult than what it seems to withhold judgment. One of the aspects of my job is delivering room service in a well-known and reputable hotel. I am certain that I could shock you and your readers with some of the things that I have seen and heard. In these situations I try to prevent any emotion from registering on my face, and exit as quickly and as gracefully as possible. I try to remind myself that to these guests, particularly for those on an extended stay, the room is their home…but it would help if they would also treat it that way. I am pretty sure that most people at least put on pants to pay the pizza delivery man.
I really enjoy your blog…keep up the good work.