A recent post by my Internet friend Jill got me thinking about the age-old question: can you be friends with your ex? Actually, I began thinking about this long before her post. In fact, I can remember a conversation that the CPA and I had before we got married. A conversation that included me saying (in rather strong language) that it was absolutely not okay for us to communicate on a regular basis with ex girlfriends/boyfriends. Ever.
Fast forward a year and a half and you’ll find us happily married. Of course you’ll also find us on Facebook, the social network that prides itself on reconnecting people from your past, people like ex boyfriends or girlfriends.
We had been on Facebook for about six months before I received my first “friend request” from one of my exes. Now this particular ex was not someone that my husband was fond of (if a spouse could ever really be fond of an ex). It had something to do with how recently we had dated and how our relationship had ended. Because of this, when I received the request I was hesitant to respond. So I brought the question to my husband. I told him that I would gladly leave it alone and not answer if he preferred because I knew that I could easily walk away and not look back. I admit that there was a part of me that was curious, of course. Had the ex married well, was he happy? That sort of thing. Then there’s the other part, the petty part, that wanted him to see that I was happy and that I survived life after him. But either way, I wouldn’t respond if the CPA was at all uncomfortable.
I should have known better. The CPA said he wasn’t bothered in the least and to go ahead. So I did — I said “hello, how are you.” He said, “I’m fine. How are you? I see you’re married? Congratulations.” And that was that. End of story.
Since that time, I’ve been in touch with at least three or four other exes, a couple of whom I had dated seriously and the others not so seriously. What I have found, for me at least, is that being friends with exes is okay, within reason and with certain caveats. Mainly, that the communications aren’t frequent or too personal, that the intentions behind them are pure, and that it’s not done in secret. In my mind, if those conditions are met, then it’s not really a problem.
What about you? Are you comfortable with your spouse communicating with exes or is it definitely off-limits?
Related Posts:
And the same goes for my husband… there’s one ex of his that I really don’t like hearing about. We recently got invited to her wedding, and I was nervous about how my husband would react. We are happily married, but I didn’t want him to want to go! Thankfully, he didn’t, and I didn’t even have to express my uncomfortable feelings.
.
My husband had one serious girlfriend who he broke up with about 2-3 months before we got together. But they had been been best friends for years. They had always stayed in contact so at first I didn’t have much of an option and it was uncomfortable since we were still getting our footing. Eventually though it all worked out and I am Facebook friends with her, we also have dinner/hang out when we’re down south or when she comes up north. I have a lot of fun with her and probably have more conversations with her than hubby does. 
32 comments