Marriage: Five Questions to Ask Each Other

I think there also has to be an understanding that none of the answers are set in stone. Some people can get a little rigid once they think they have the answers to all the big questions.

I’d add CAREER as a topic for discussion as well. What are your career goals? What basic timeline do you have mapped out in your head for completion of those goals? Is the job you’re in (or the major you’ve chosen) part of that career path or just a side thing while you’re looking for something else?

My husband has always known he wanted to be an architect. That’s something that hasn’t changed for him since seventh grade. He would eventually like to start his own firm. Knowing this, I’m less likely to be surprised when he comes to me in ten years and wants to quit his job!

And I’ve always wanted to stay home with my kids. None of the women in his family did this. So, it was a pretty big surprise to him when I announced my plans in a casual conversation one day. He hadn’t really thought about it, but when he did, he assumed I’d continue working. Since he didn’t feel super strongly about it and I did, we were able to pretty quickly work that one out (in my favor ) And because we talked about it beforehand, we were able to make decisions that put us in a position to be able to live on one income.

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One question to ask is, how do we expect to handle the chores around the house? I think my husband was nonplussed when he found out I wasn’t going to iron his shirts or fold and put away his laundry. Not that we fought about it. I take the opportunity sometimes to give him a treat when I do these tasks for him.

Oh yeah. That whole parenting style and who pays the bills can really sneak up and bite you after being married for a while.

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I think the whole “division of labor” slash who does what around the house is an important topic for discussion. Basically what it boils down to is that I prefer things be much more neat & tidy. This causes a lot of frustration for me. I guess I just need to accept it–my husband accepts me as high-strung and crazy, haha. Another thing is money. We didn’t talk that much/enough about it, but we figured out a system shortly after that works for us. I have since shared it with some friends who have impending weddings and worry about the merging of finances and they seem to like it

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I think the best prep for marriage is to sit down and make a budget together and discuss spending. Preferably with a good book or a financial adviser.

Also – separate tubes of toothpaste are the key to happiness.

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these are all important questions to cover, all of them are crucial to the foundation of any healthy relationship. great post!

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The big things, like these, weren’t really problems for us. Maybe this is because we lived together first? Or because we were long-distance for a year of our relationship, which forced us to find topics like these to discuss because we didn’t have daily goings-on in common? Or because we’re both pretty easygoing, so the vast religious differences just didn’t really bother us? I don’t know.

The small things, though. Those suckers crept up on us. His food allergies, my toothpaste preference, who sleeps on which side of the bed. We washed laundry differently and did the dishes differently and used different cleaning products. I honestly felt that the big stuff was surmountable, but sometimes the little things really aggravated me. I had no idea how comforting it is to have a routine in your daily life until my routine was put through the ringer lol.

Great important questions to ask, some people don’t think of these things but they can make a huge difference.

Jenna @ Newlyweds´s last blog post..Zucchini Quesadillas

We had to have a few pre-marital counseling sessions before our pastor in our church would marry us. It helped us lots. Gave us lots of food for thought and made us discuss things we would never have thought to discuss.

I think your categories are right on target.

-FringeGirl

I’ve realized that understanding your spouse’s parents will open your eyes to who you are marrying.
Just as a slight example of what I mean. My husband grew up on a farm where the girls worked inside and the men outside. He also has a father who doesn’t show a lot of public affection for his wife.
Consequently, we have had struggles over the fact that my husband doesn’t really think to help around the house or with the kids unless I ask. In the six years we’ve been married, he’s never cleaned a bathroom.
I know. We’re still working on that one.
He is also not much of a romantic and is not very physical, which is a major sturuggle for me.
So, understand their parent’s and background, save a lot of pain in the future.

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I was going to say what Mindy said — talk about expectations for things before you get into them.

The big example for me was my husband going back to school. We never discussed our expectations — like how many years he’d be in school, how we’ll balance our finances while he’s in school or how we’ll balance housework during this time. I think the whole school thing would have gone smoother for the both of us if we didn’t just jump in without discussing. We may have decided that he didn’t need to work full-time while going to school (but he has), or that I’d like him to be done in 4 years (he wasn’t). Not like either of those things broke our relationship, but in hindsight, we would have transitioned into this period of our lives better had we just discussed those expecations first.

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These are good questions. I also agree that the question of chores and who is going to do what is an important one. And, while this is not as elementary as religious belief, political outlook is something that would be nice to know, especially if one half of the couple has very strong beliefs and the other has opposite feelings.

I think taking a class also helps, even if in the class it’s a bunch of topics you have already discussed (then you’re reassured a bit, right?).

And oy… the where to live. Luckily, we’re both in a profession where it’s a hassle to change states, but I must admit that it was sort of strange near the end of grad school. We’d been dating for about 5 months and we were having to decide where we’d end up (due to exams, state qualifications, etc). We knew several couples who didn’t make it through the process; the relationships were too shaky and tenuous to make it through the “we like the state, we like each other, let’s give it a go” process. So, sort of strange to have to decide that one early on!!

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These are great. I think my husband and I talked about all these things within the first month we were dating. We were always serious! It was great to hear about his religious upbringing and the fact that we both wanted 2 or 3 kids. Talks about money came later but definitely before we were engaged.

Great post.

Hank (my hubby) and I have discussed creating a list of crucial conversations, but have debated whether the discussion and actual behavior would bear any resemblance to each other. How folks see themselves and how they behave is not always aligned. In the end, we thought it important to include a historical example (sort of like a behavioral interview) to make certain our thoughts were in alignment with our actual practices.

For folks that have asked questions prior to getting married, have you found with time that the responses given were accurate?

One question I’d add to the list, how and when do you prefer to approach difficult topics?

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As previous posts have said, discussing future children is also very important. My partner and I never really talked about it when we met, he only mentioned he wanted children one day in the future and that was enough for me to know. Perhaps it would have been better to have discussed it properly instead, as the question of having children or not has been one of the major issues in our relationship.

Luckily now after six years together my partner also feels that the time is right for starting a family, but it took years of arguments and tears and even a separation to get here.

At least we talked about our religious views properly when we met, so we never had any problems with that particular topic

What a great article; the more I search around your site, the more I find to enjoy! My wife and I are regular presenters at a marriage preparation course in our area, and these are great questions to spark quality discussions between the engaged couples.

I think this one may make the Weekly Round-up of Great Reads on my own blog!