Marriage: Five Questions to Ask Each Other

Tue, May 12, 2009

The CPA and I had been dating for a while when we got engaged. Because of this, we felt that we knew each other pretty well. The more I think about it, this seems to be the nature of relationships – when you’re with someone for a while, you begin to think you know all about them. Their likes and dislikes, their weaknesses and strengths become familiar to you.

We had definitely reached that point and I felt very confident in saying that I knew the CPA as well as I possibly could. That’s why I was so surprised when he came over one night with a stack of relationship books with such titles as “1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married” and “Don’t You Dare Get Married Before Reading This Book: The Book of Questions for Couples.”

He explained that using these books would be a way to draw us closer together and talk about things we may not have discussed before. I hate to admit it, but he was right. We covered things that had never come up in conversation before, such as whether we wanted to get plastic surgery when we were older or where we thought we wanted to spend the holidays. Some of the questions seemed sort of silly, but they led to interesting conversations and I can honestly say that I learned more about my husband-to-be.

Out of this pre-wedding experience and based on the year and a half of marriage we’ve had since, I came up with my own questions that I feel you absolutely must discuss before getting married.

1) What are your religious beliefs and background? Sounds like a no-brainer, doesn’t it? Especially for those who may feel strongly about one particular religion. But what about those who don’t really care one way or the other? Will they be comfortable marrying someone with strong beliefs? The CPA and I both grew up as Latter Day Saints (Mormons) but that wasn’t a guarantee that our religious life would be perfectly meshed. In fact, we’ve both grown and changed a lot in that area during the time that we’ve known each other. Had we had different views or had we grown in opposite directions, it may have put a strain on the relationship. But having an understanding of each other’s beliefs has made those changes positive ones.

2) What is your parenting style? At the beginning of a relationship it’s easy to get excited at the thought of starting a family together. It’s also easy to feel that you have the answers even though you may not have the experience. Over the past eighteen months, I’ve learned first hand that my husband and I don’t always agree on our parenting styles. He’s coming from 30 years of experience and a different generation and I’m coming from only a book-based knowledge with no hands-on experience. I’ve learned that it’s important to at least have an idea of what your parenting style is so that you know what challenges you may face and where you’ll need to make concessions.

3) Who will pay the bills? Oh my heavens. You’d think that marrying an accountant would have made this question a no-brainer. But I quickly found that since I had been taking care of my own money (not very well, admittedly) for many years, the idea of combining incomes was a foreign concept. Had we not sat down and discussed the issue at length (and made adjustments along the way) this could have been a big issue. As we all know, money and relationships don’t always mix well so it’s important to have responsibilities identified early on. Being willing to be flexible doesn’t hurt either.

4) Where will you live? When you’re dating it’s easy to say that you’d be willing to follow your sweetheart anywhere they want to go, but once you settle down a bit, things tend to look a bit different. Do you love warm, humid weather while your significant other digs the fresh mountain air? Do you want to be close to your family while your spouse wants to live as far away as possible? Granted, not everyone settles in one place for the long haul, but most people tend to stay in an area for several years. That’s why it’s important that the area be one that both of you will be happy with.

5) What is his/her family like? It doesn’t matter how old you are or how close to your family you may be. The fact is, when you get married, you are not just marrying an individual, you’re marrying their family. Granted, some people take this farther than others, but still. It’s important that you get to know each other’s family as best you can. And even if you don’t get along, it’s important to at least try to understand the dynamics of your loved one’s family so that you know how they will affect your lives together.

I’ve found that these five areas: religion, parenting, finance, home location, and family are some of the most important in a relationship. I personally don’t think each spouse’s views on these subjects have to match perfectly, as long as they are willing to compromise to make them work. And while it’s not a guarantee of marital bliss, I do believe that discussing your expectations beforehand can help a couple avoid problems in the future.

In your experience, what questions should a couple discuss before getting married?

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Tags: engagement, marriage

35 Comments For This Post

Hokie Deb Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 3:39 am

–>Those are all good questions to ask each other.

I would have a discussion about children. Do you both want them? How many? Discipine philosophies such as spanking, time outs, etc.

http://thaxtonfam.blogspot.com/

Hokie Deb´s last blog post..Good Ole Fish Fry

Joanna Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 3:52 am

I think there also has to be an understanding that none of the answers are set in stone. Some people can get a little rigid once they think they have the answers to all the big questions.

I’d add CAREER as a topic for discussion as well. What are your career goals? What basic timeline do you have mapped out in your head for completion of those goals? Is the job you’re in (or the major you’ve chosen) part of that career path or just a side thing while you’re looking for something else?

My husband has always known he wanted to be an architect. That’s something that hasn’t changed for him since seventh grade. He would eventually like to start his own firm. Knowing this, I’m less likely to be surprised when he comes to me in ten years and wants to quit his job!

And I’ve always wanted to stay home with my kids. None of the women in his family did this. So, it was a pretty big surprise to him when I announced my plans in a casual conversation one day. He hadn’t really thought about it, but when he did, he assumed I’d continue working. Since he didn’t feel super strongly about it and I did, we were able to pretty quickly work that one out (in my favor ) And because we talked about it beforehand, we were able to make decisions that put us in a position to be able to live on one income.

Joanna´s last blog post..And I Was Doing So Well …

Eryn Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 5:08 am

Those are important questions…I just wish questions could have prepared me for my in-laws.

Eryn´s last blog post..a word I never thought I would speak with such joy

Janet Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 5:15 am

One question to ask is, how do we expect to handle the chores around the house? I think my husband was nonplussed when he found out I wasn’t going to iron his shirts or fold and put away his laundry. Not that we fought about it. I take the opportunity sometimes to give him a treat when I do these tasks for him.

emilyG Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 5:31 am

I will honestly admit that I’m rather jealous. I’m sure you can figure out why. Ha.

Jes the Bes Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 5:38 am

Oh yeah. That whole parenting style and who pays the bills can really sneak up and bite you after being married for a while.

Jes the Bes´s last blog post..Chicken Cacciatore

Mom of 5 Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 6:20 am

Great questions and very important in establishing your relationship. Others are right too in mentioning careers which includes education is another important topic of discussion. Will there be the need for further education and added costs to your new family? How about stay-at-home Mom vs working Mom. Your list is a great foundation upon which to build as your relationship is developing. Married life is a continuous journey together – it doesn’t stop at the wedding ceremony for sure. Love which can be given so freely needs work to stay fresh and to become the “forever” kind we all want in our lives. You can’t take your companion for granted and you must show your love and adoration always and I promise you’ll get more than you ever expected returned to you when you do and you’ll be a very happy camper!!! Love and marriage can be the BEST when you both put your all into the relationship.

Jill Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 6:25 am

I think the whole “division of labor” slash who does what around the house is an important topic for discussion. Basically what it boils down to is that I prefer things be much more neat & tidy. This causes a lot of frustration for me. I guess I just need to accept it–my husband accepts me as high-strung and crazy, haha. Another thing is money. We didn’t talk that much/enough about it, but we figured out a system shortly after that works for us. I have since shared it with some friends who have impending weddings and worry about the merging of finances and they seem to like it

Jill´s last blog post..musing for monday: feeding the "hungry"

Kristy Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 6:41 am

I think those are good questions, but after several years of marriage I’ve learned that our answers to almost all of them have changed, at least a little. We attend a different type of church, have less kids than we anticipated, discipline differently than we planned, moved to a place we never intended, and even our parents have changed some. We’ve always kept joint accounts, but we thought he’d pay the bills, now I do. I think an open dialogue through out the marriage is so important. We’ve made these changes together as a team–I guess the most important question is one you have to ask yourself first, “Can I trust my life, finances, and future to this person?” Because they will all be tied together, for better or for worse.

Kristy´s last blog post..Mother’s Day

Mindee@ourfrontdoor Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 7:33 am

I think the best prep for marriage is to sit down and make a budget together and discuss spending. Preferably with a good book or a financial adviser.

Also – separate tubes of toothpaste are the key to happiness.

Mindee@ourfrontdoor´s last blog post..May Avoidance

Kristina Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 8:17 am

These are great questions. I think that the biggest one we are going to differ on is parenting styles. My husband was rasied by a military dad, and believes in spanking, etc., while I don’t. We will see how that goes.

Kristina´s last blog post..Private Journal Entry (DO NOT READ)

Briony Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 8:20 am

these are all important questions to cover, all of them are crucial to the foundation of any healthy relationship. great post!

Briony´s last blog post..flakes of sunlight

Terra Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 8:22 am

Your #1 question was the one question that my sweet husband and I never discussed in real detail…. and it became an issue about 3 months after we got married. We have since resolved our issue, but it put an otherwise wonderful new marriage on the rocks for a while!!

Terra´s last blog post..Soda Creek

Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 8:23 am

The big things, like these, weren’t really problems for us. Maybe this is because we lived together first? Or because we were long-distance for a year of our relationship, which forced us to find topics like these to discuss because we didn’t have daily goings-on in common? Or because we’re both pretty easygoing, so the vast religious differences just didn’t really bother us? I don’t know.

The small things, though. Those suckers crept up on us. His food allergies, my toothpaste preference, who sleeps on which side of the bed. We washed laundry differently and did the dishes differently and used different cleaning products. I honestly felt that the big stuff was surmountable, but sometimes the little things really aggravated me. I had no idea how comforting it is to have a routine in your daily life until my routine was put through the ringer lol.

Patty Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 8:24 am

I’m with Mindee and the 2 tubes of toothpaste! Just wait until the kiddies are gone and you can move all your girlie stuff to another whole bathroom………girl, separate bathrooms rock!

Jenna @ Newlyweds Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 10:48 am

Great important questions to ask, some people don’t think of these things but they can make a huge difference.

Jenna @ Newlyweds´s last blog post..Zucchini Quesadillas

Mindy Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 11:04 am

I’m not married yet, but something we’re trying to do, to have a better relationship all around, is talk about our expectations. Those that you listed above are great examples. I’ve also found that I have expectations for myself, that I will magically change. But I’m thinking that’s probably not going to happen. My kitchen will not magically keep itself clean(unless kevin keeps doing the dishes).
I also think it is important to do counseling before you’re engaged, I don’t want to announce to everyone that I’m getting married only to find some terrible difference through counseling and feel like I can’t do anything about it.

Mindy´s last blog post..Here’s to Moms

the domestic fringe Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 11:53 am

We had to have a few pre-marital counseling sessions before our pastor in our church would marry us. It helped us lots. Gave us lots of food for thought and made us discuss things we would never have thought to discuss.

I think your categories are right on target.

-FringeGirl

Sam Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 12:26 pm

We attended a day-long class to get married in the Catholic church and each answered an extensive (around 200 questions?) questionnaire separately. The results were matched up and sent to the priest that was going to marry us. In our subsequent counseling session with the priest, its no surprise that the two topics we disagreed on were money and child rearing. We have since talked and worked our way through those issues (sometimes the hard way). We have also grown and changed our opinions on some of the subjects you mentioned.

Serene Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 12:55 pm

I’ve realized that understanding your spouse’s parents will open your eyes to who you are marrying.
Just as a slight example of what I mean. My husband grew up on a farm where the girls worked inside and the men outside. He also has a father who doesn’t show a lot of public affection for his wife.
Consequently, we have had struggles over the fact that my husband doesn’t really think to help around the house or with the kids unless I ask. In the six years we’ve been married, he’s never cleaned a bathroom.
I know. We’re still working on that one.
He is also not much of a romantic and is not very physical, which is a major sturuggle for me.
So, understand their parent’s and background, save a lot of pain in the future.

Serene´s last blog post..Jacob Turns Two

sparkly_jules Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 1:58 pm

My husband and I will have been married 3 years this October 2009. We did the “100 Questions” book, too before we married.

Funny: When we were first together, neither of us wanted children. That gradually changed, on both our parts, as time passed. Now we want a child and we can’t. Don’t wait too long to see a fertility specialist. Time waits for no (wo)man.

Best of luck,

Jules

sparkly_jules´s last blog post..The Donut Switch

Jenny Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 2:45 pm

I was going to say what Mindy said — talk about expectations for things before you get into them.

The big example for me was my husband going back to school. We never discussed our expectations — like how many years he’d be in school, how we’ll balance our finances while he’s in school or how we’ll balance housework during this time. I think the whole school thing would have gone smoother for the both of us if we didn’t just jump in without discussing. We may have decided that he didn’t need to work full-time while going to school (but he has), or that I’d like him to be done in 4 years (he wasn’t). Not like either of those things broke our relationship, but in hindsight, we would have transitioned into this period of our lives better had we just discussed those expecations first.

Jenny´s last blog post..Thankful Thursday…

David Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 5:46 pm

If you’re interested in discovering your parenting style based on the latest research, please check out the Parenting Style Application by Signal Patterns on Parenting.com.

The underlying model developed by our team of psychologists reveals an underlying complexity far richer than just ’strict’ or ‘relaxed’ classifications.

And what’s particularly interesting is that you can take the test for a spouse and see where potential conflicts might lie and get advice on how to deal w/them. You can also compare results to your friends’.

Alzo Says:
May 13th, 2009 at 2:52 am

These are good questions. I also agree that the question of chores and who is going to do what is an important one. And, while this is not as elementary as religious belief, political outlook is something that would be nice to know, especially if one half of the couple has very strong beliefs and the other has opposite feelings.

Heidi Says:
May 13th, 2009 at 8:32 am

I must admit, as a chick about to get married in four months, I hadn’t thought about purchasing relationship books OR sitting down for a round of 20 questions. But after reading this post and the subsequent comments, I’m going to sit down with Joe and have a serious tete-e-tete.

Let me preface this by saying, I’m not so easily swayed into doing things. This post really had an impact. I literally hadn’t considered a formal Q&A session. I would have dismissed it and said these things come up on their own – organically.

After our honeymoon debacle last week, I can see now that sitting down and discussing heavy duty stuff might be beneficial.

Heidi´s last blog post..Anatomy of a refrigerator door

Jess Says:
May 13th, 2009 at 8:59 am

I think taking a class also helps, even if in the class it’s a bunch of topics you have already discussed (then you’re reassured a bit, right?).

And oy… the where to live. Luckily, we’re both in a profession where it’s a hassle to change states, but I must admit that it was sort of strange near the end of grad school. We’d been dating for about 5 months and we were having to decide where we’d end up (due to exams, state qualifications, etc). We knew several couples who didn’t make it through the process; the relationships were too shaky and tenuous to make it through the “we like the state, we like each other, let’s give it a go” process. So, sort of strange to have to decide that one early on!!

Jess´s last blog post..Life this week

Amy Says:
May 13th, 2009 at 10:24 am

Wow, I had no idea all of these should have been asked.

We didn’t ask a single one when we got married.

Amy´s last blog post..Timmy and that purple monkey

Michelle @ Find Your Balance Says:
May 13th, 2009 at 12:26 pm

These are great. I think my husband and I talked about all these things within the first month we were dating. We were always serious! It was great to hear about his religious upbringing and the fact that we both wanted 2 or 3 kids. Talks about money came later but definitely before we were engaged.

Carol Says:
May 14th, 2009 at 5:55 am

What a great topic. I would add attitude about money and spending because if one is a saver and the other a spender, there will probably be many heated discussions. Also, how you spend your leisure time. You can each have separate interests, but I think, there should be some in common so that when you go on vacation, you are both wanting to do the same things.

It is a compromise, but it should be a willing compromise. For a totally happy relationship, you should be selfless and then everything will fall into place. It will be effortless if you are with the right person.

Carol´s last blog post..Honey, can we get a Yorkie? I’ve always wanted one.

Nelia Says:
May 15th, 2009 at 5:55 am

Great post.

Hank (my hubby) and I have discussed creating a list of crucial conversations, but have debated whether the discussion and actual behavior would bear any resemblance to each other. How folks see themselves and how they behave is not always aligned. In the end, we thought it important to include a historical example (sort of like a behavioral interview) to make certain our thoughts were in alignment with our actual practices.

For folks that have asked questions prior to getting married, have you found with time that the responses given were accurate?

One question I’d add to the list, how and when do you prefer to approach difficult topics?

Nelia´s last blog post..Are You the Great Illusionist?

Stephanie Says:
May 15th, 2009 at 1:32 pm

I love this! I personally think you never learn everything about the other person, because people never stop growing and having new experiences that alter what they previously believed. It’s fascinating.

Stephanie´s last blog post..things I have learned: 7 weeks

Helena Says:
May 26th, 2009 at 11:40 am

As previous posts have said, discussing future children is also very important. My partner and I never really talked about it when we met, he only mentioned he wanted children one day in the future and that was enough for me to know. Perhaps it would have been better to have discussed it properly instead, as the question of having children or not has been one of the major issues in our relationship.

Luckily now after six years together my partner also feels that the time is right for starting a family, but it took years of arguments and tears and even a separation to get here.

At least we talked about our religious views properly when we met, so we never had any problems with that particular topic

LBW Says:
June 4th, 2009 at 5:34 pm

Honestly, in just my short marriage (7 years together, 6 years married, 4 children) I’ve already come to believe that the answers to the, “big” questions can be largely useless. Both my husband and I’s religious beliefs have done a complete 180-degree turn (we were both dogmatically, fundamentally religious when we married – we’re now deliberately nonreligious, though we arrived to that viewpoint at slightly different times). When we married it was my husband who wanted children, while I secretly hoped I was sterile so that it wouldn’t be an option. After our first accidental pregnancy, I fell in love with being a mother, and wanted more children. His parents had a merely, “functional” relationship – his mother was the submissive, docile wife who waited on his dad hand and foot, and his dad was completely unromantic & mostly unappreciative of her. But my husband is a sensitive, thoughtful guy.

It seems to me like the most important questions to ask are going to vary with each couple. What’s most important to YOU is what you need to discuss. And even then, there’s no guarantee the answers won’t change. A friend of mine married a guy who seemed (in word & deed) very supportive of equality in their relationship. But after they were married he suddenly became disrespectful and misogynistic, and refused the discuss the possibility of any compromise with her.

So more than asking questions, perhaps the most important thing to do is just to pay attention to the way the person you’re planning to marry acts in everyday (non-dating) situations. Because when the, “new” of the relationship wears off, the way he or she acts towards the rest of the world is how they’ll start acting towards you.

Dustin | Engaged Marriage Says:
September 23rd, 2009 at 3:32 pm

What a great article; the more I search around your site, the more I find to enjoy! My wife and I are regular presenters at a marriage preparation course in our area, and these are great questions to spark quality discussions between the engaged couples.

I think this one may make the Weekly Round-up of Great Reads on my own blog!

Home School College Counselor Says:
October 23rd, 2009 at 2:16 pm

Another question to ask is how neat/messy is the other person and can I live with his/her messiness or obsessive-compulsive neatness?
Home School College Counselor´s last blog ..Question of the Day – Letters of Recommendation

Hokie Deb Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 3:39 am
–>Those are all good questions to ask each other.

I would have a discussion about children. Do you both want them? How many? Discipine philosophies such as spanking, time outs, etc.

http://thaxtonfam.blogspot.com/

Hokie Deb´s last blog post..Good Ole Fish Fry
Joanna Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 3:52 am
I think there also has to be an understanding that none of the answers are set in stone. Some people can get a little rigid once they think they have the answers to all the big questions.

I’d add CAREER as a topic for discussion as well. What are your career goals? What basic timeline do you have mapped out in your head for completion of those goals? Is the job you’re in (or the major you’ve chosen) part of that career path or just a side thing while you’re looking for something else?

My husband has always known he wanted to be an architect. That’s something that hasn’t changed for him since seventh grade. He would eventually like to start his own firm. Knowing this, I’m less likely to be surprised when he comes to me in ten years and wants to quit his job!

And I’ve always wanted to stay home with my kids. None of the women in his family did this. So, it was a pretty big surprise to him when I announced my plans in a casual conversation one day. He hadn’t really thought about it, but when he did, he assumed I’d continue working. Since he didn’t feel super strongly about it and I did, we were able to pretty quickly work that one out (in my favor ) And because we talked about it beforehand, we were able to make decisions that put us in a position to be able to live on one income.

Joanna´s last blog post..And I Was Doing So Well …
Eryn Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 5:08 am
Those are important questions…I just wish questions could have prepared me for my in-laws.

Eryn´s last blog post..a word I never thought I would speak with such joy
Janet Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 5:15 am
One question to ask is, how do we expect to handle the chores around the house? I think my husband was nonplussed when he found out I wasn’t going to iron his shirts or fold and put away his laundry. Not that we fought about it. I take the opportunity sometimes to give him a treat when I do these tasks for him.
emilyG Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 5:31 am
I will honestly admit that I’m rather jealous. I’m sure you can figure out why. Ha.
Jes the Bes Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 5:38 am
Oh yeah. That whole parenting style and who pays the bills can really sneak up and bite you after being married for a while.

Jes the Bes´s last blog post..Chicken Cacciatore
Mom of 5 Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 6:20 am
Great questions and very important in establishing your relationship. Others are right too in mentioning careers which includes education is another important topic of discussion. Will there be the need for further education and added costs to your new family? How about stay-at-home Mom vs working Mom. Your list is a great foundation upon which to build as your relationship is developing. Married life is a continuous journey together – it doesn’t stop at the wedding ceremony for sure. Love which can be given so freely needs work to stay fresh and to become the “forever” kind we all want in our lives. You can’t take your companion for granted and you must show your love and adoration always and I promise you’ll get more than you ever expected returned to you when you do and you’ll be a very happy camper!!! Love and marriage can be the BEST when you both put your all into the relationship.
Jill Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 6:25 am
I think the whole “division of labor” slash who does what around the house is an important topic for discussion. Basically what it boils down to is that I prefer things be much more neat & tidy. This causes a lot of frustration for me. I guess I just need to accept it–my husband accepts me as high-strung and crazy, haha. Another thing is money. We didn’t talk that much/enough about it, but we figured out a system shortly after that works for us. I have since shared it with some friends who have impending weddings and worry about the merging of finances and they seem to like it

Jill´s last blog post..musing for monday: feeding the "hungry"
Kristy Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 6:41 am
I think those are good questions, but after several years of marriage I’ve learned that our answers to almost all of them have changed, at least a little. We attend a different type of church, have less kids than we anticipated, discipline differently than we planned, moved to a place we never intended, and even our parents have changed some. We’ve always kept joint accounts, but we thought he’d pay the bills, now I do. I think an open dialogue through out the marriage is so important. We’ve made these changes together as a team–I guess the most important question is one you have to ask yourself first, “Can I trust my life, finances, and future to this person?” Because they will all be tied together, for better or for worse.

Kristy´s last blog post..Mother’s Day
Mindee@ourfrontdoor Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 7:33 am
I think the best prep for marriage is to sit down and make a budget together and discuss spending. Preferably with a good book or a financial adviser.

Also – separate tubes of toothpaste are the key to happiness.

Mindee@ourfrontdoor´s last blog post..May Avoidance
Kristina Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 8:17 am
These are great questions. I think that the biggest one we are going to differ on is parenting styles. My husband was rasied by a military dad, and believes in spanking, etc., while I don’t. We will see how that goes.

Kristina´s last blog post..Private Journal Entry (DO NOT READ)
Briony Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 8:20 am
these are all important questions to cover, all of them are crucial to the foundation of any healthy relationship. great post!

Briony´s last blog post..flakes of sunlight
Terra Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 8:22 am
Your #1 question was the one question that my sweet husband and I never discussed in real detail…. and it became an issue about 3 months after we got married. We have since resolved our issue, but it put an otherwise wonderful new marriage on the rocks for a while!!

Terra´s last blog post..Soda Creek
Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 8:23 am
The big things, like these, weren’t really problems for us. Maybe this is because we lived together first? Or because we were long-distance for a year of our relationship, which forced us to find topics like these to discuss because we didn’t have daily goings-on in common? Or because we’re both pretty easygoing, so the vast religious differences just didn’t really bother us? I don’t know.

The small things, though. Those suckers crept up on us. His food allergies, my toothpaste preference, who sleeps on which side of the bed. We washed laundry differently and did the dishes differently and used different cleaning products. I honestly felt that the big stuff was surmountable, but sometimes the little things really aggravated me. I had no idea how comforting it is to have a routine in your daily life until my routine was put through the ringer lol.
Patty Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 8:24 am
I’m with Mindee and the 2 tubes of toothpaste! Just wait until the kiddies are gone and you can move all your girlie stuff to another whole bathroom………girl, separate bathrooms rock!
Jenna @ Newlyweds Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Great important questions to ask, some people don’t think of these things but they can make a huge difference.

Jenna @ Newlyweds´s last blog post..Zucchini Quesadillas
Mindy Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 11:04 am
I’m not married yet, but something we’re trying to do, to have a better relationship all around, is talk about our expectations. Those that you listed above are great examples. I’ve also found that I have expectations for myself, that I will magically change. But I’m thinking that’s probably not going to happen. My kitchen will not magically keep itself clean(unless kevin keeps doing the dishes).
I also think it is important to do counseling before you’re engaged, I don’t want to announce to everyone that I’m getting married only to find some terrible difference through counseling and feel like I can’t do anything about it.

Mindy´s last blog post..Here’s to Moms
the domestic fringe Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 11:53 am
We had to have a few pre-marital counseling sessions before our pastor in our church would marry us. It helped us lots. Gave us lots of food for thought and made us discuss things we would never have thought to discuss.

I think your categories are right on target.

-FringeGirl
Sam Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
We attended a day-long class to get married in the Catholic church and each answered an extensive (around 200 questions?) questionnaire separately. The results were matched up and sent to the priest that was going to marry us. In our subsequent counseling session with the priest, its no surprise that the two topics we disagreed on were money and child rearing. We have since talked and worked our way through those issues (sometimes the hard way). We have also grown and changed our opinions on some of the subjects you mentioned.
Serene Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
I’ve realized that understanding your spouse’s parents will open your eyes to who you are marrying.
Just as a slight example of what I mean. My husband grew up on a farm where the girls worked inside and the men outside. He also has a father who doesn’t show a lot of public affection for his wife.
Consequently, we have had struggles over the fact that my husband doesn’t really think to help around the house or with the kids unless I ask. In the six years we’ve been married, he’s never cleaned a bathroom.
I know. We’re still working on that one.
He is also not much of a romantic and is not very physical, which is a major sturuggle for me.
So, understand their parent’s and background, save a lot of pain in the future.

Serene´s last blog post..Jacob Turns Two
sparkly_jules Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
My husband and I will have been married 3 years this October 2009. We did the “100 Questions” book, too before we married.

Funny: When we were first together, neither of us wanted children. That gradually changed, on both our parts, as time passed. Now we want a child and we can’t. Don’t wait too long to see a fertility specialist. Time waits for no (wo)man.

Best of luck,

Jules

sparkly_jules´s last blog post..The Donut Switch
Jenny Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
I was going to say what Mindy said — talk about expectations for things before you get into them.

The big example for me was my husband going back to school. We never discussed our expectations — like how many years he’d be in school, how we’ll balance our finances while he’s in school or how we’ll balance housework during this time. I think the whole school thing would have gone smoother for the both of us if we didn’t just jump in without discussing. We may have decided that he didn’t need to work full-time while going to school (but he has), or that I’d like him to be done in 4 years (he wasn’t). Not like either of those things broke our relationship, but in hindsight, we would have transitioned into this period of our lives better had we just discussed those expecations first.

Jenny´s last blog post..Thankful Thursday…
David Says:
May 12th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
If you’re interested in discovering your parenting style based on the latest research, please check out the Parenting Style Application by Signal Patterns on Parenting.com.

The underlying model developed by our team of psychologists reveals an underlying complexity far richer than just ’strict’ or ‘relaxed’ classifications.

And what’s particularly interesting is that you can take the test for a spouse and see where potential conflicts might lie and get advice on how to deal w/them. You can also compare results to your friends’.
Alzo Says:
May 13th, 2009 at 2:52 am
These are good questions. I also agree that the question of chores and who is going to do what is an important one. And, while this is not as elementary as religious belief, political outlook is something that would be nice to know, especially if one half of the couple has very strong beliefs and the other has opposite feelings.
Heidi Says:
May 13th, 2009 at 8:32 am
I must admit, as a chick about to get married in four months, I hadn’t thought about purchasing relationship books OR sitting down for a round of 20 questions. But after reading this post and the subsequent comments, I’m going to sit down with Joe and have a serious tete-e-tete.

Let me preface this by saying, I’m not so easily swayed into doing things. This post really had an impact. I literally hadn’t considered a formal Q&A session. I would have dismissed it and said these things come up on their own – organically.

After our honeymoon debacle last week, I can see now that sitting down and discussing heavy duty stuff might be beneficial.

Heidi´s last blog post..Anatomy of a refrigerator door
Jess Says:
May 13th, 2009 at 8:59 am
I think taking a class also helps, even if in the class it’s a bunch of topics you have already discussed (then you’re reassured a bit, right?).

And oy… the where to live. Luckily, we’re both in a profession where it’s a hassle to change states, but I must admit that it was sort of strange near the end of grad school. We’d been dating for about 5 months and we were having to decide where we’d end up (due to exams, state qualifications, etc). We knew several couples who didn’t make it through the process; the relationships were too shaky and tenuous to make it through the “we like the state, we like each other, let’s give it a go” process. So, sort of strange to have to decide that one early on!!

Jess´s last blog post..Life this week
Amy Says:
May 13th, 2009 at 10:24 am
Wow, I had no idea all of these should have been asked.

We didn’t ask a single one when we got married.

Amy´s last blog post..Timmy and that purple monkey
Michelle @ Find Your Balance Says:
May 13th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
These are great. I think my husband and I talked about all these things within the first month we were dating. We were always serious! It was great to hear about his religious upbringing and the fact that we both wanted 2 or 3 kids. Talks about money came later but definitely before we were engaged.
Carol Says:
May 14th, 2009 at 5:55 am
What a great topic. I would add attitude about money and spending because if one is a saver and the other a spender, there will probably be many heated discussions. Also, how you spend your leisure time. You can each have separate interests, but I think, there should be some in common so that when you go on vacation, you are both wanting to do the same things.

It is a compromise, but it should be a willing compromise. For a totally happy relationship, you should be selfless and then everything will fall into place. It will be effortless if you are with the right person.

Carol´s last blog post..Honey, can we get a Yorkie? I’ve always wanted one.
Nelia Says:
May 15th, 2009 at 5:55 am
Great post.

Hank (my hubby) and I have discussed creating a list of crucial conversations, but have debated whether the discussion and actual behavior would bear any resemblance to each other. How folks see themselves and how they behave is not always aligned. In the end, we thought it important to include a historical example (sort of like a behavioral interview) to make certain our thoughts were in alignment with our actual practices.

For folks that have asked questions prior to getting married, have you found with time that the responses given were accurate?

One question I’d add to the list, how and when do you prefer to approach difficult topics?

Nelia´s last blog post..Are You the Great Illusionist?
Stephanie Says:
May 15th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
I love this! I personally think you never learn everything about the other person, because people never stop growing and having new experiences that alter what they previously believed. It’s fascinating.

Stephanie´s last blog post..things I have learned: 7 weeks
Helena Says:
May 26th, 2009 at 11:40 am
As previous posts have said, discussing future children is also very important. My partner and I never really talked about it when we met, he only mentioned he wanted children one day in the future and that was enough for me to know. Perhaps it would have been better to have discussed it properly instead, as the question of having children or not has been one of the major issues in our relationship.

Luckily now after six years together my partner also feels that the time is right for starting a family, but it took years of arguments and tears and even a separation to get here.

At least we talked about our religious views properly when we met, so we never had any problems with that particular topic
LBW Says:
June 4th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Honestly, in just my short marriage (7 years together, 6 years married, 4 children) I’ve already come to believe that the answers to the, “big” questions can be largely useless. Both my husband and I’s religious beliefs have done a complete 180-degree turn (we were both dogmatically, fundamentally religious when we married – we’re now deliberately nonreligious, though we arrived to that viewpoint at slightly different times). When we married it was my husband who wanted children, while I secretly hoped I was sterile so that it wouldn’t be an option. After our first accidental pregnancy, I fell in love with being a mother, and wanted more children. His parents had a merely, “functional” relationship – his mother was the submissive, docile wife who waited on his dad hand and foot, and his dad was completely unromantic & mostly unappreciative of her. But my husband is a sensitive, thoughtful guy.

It seems to me like the most important questions to ask are going to vary with each couple. What’s most important to YOU is what you need to discuss. And even then, there’s no guarantee the answers won’t change. A friend of mine married a guy who seemed (in word & deed) very supportive of equality in their relationship. But after they were married he suddenly became disrespectful and misogynistic, and refused the discuss the possibility of any compromise with her.

So more than asking questions, perhaps the most important thing to do is just to pay attention to the way the person you’re planning to marry acts in everyday (non-dating) situations. Because when the, “new” of the relationship wears off, the way he or she acts towards the rest of the world is how they’ll start acting towards you.
Dustin | Engaged Marriage Says:
September 23rd, 2009 at 3:32 pm
What a great article; the more I search around your site, the more I find to enjoy! My wife and I are regular presenters at a marriage preparation course in our area, and these are great questions to spark quality discussions between the engaged couples.

I think this one may make the Weekly Round-up of Great Reads on my own blog!
Home School College Counselor Says:
October 23rd, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Another question to ask is how neat/messy is the other person and can I live with his/her messiness or obsessive-compulsive neatness?
Home School College Counselor´s last blog ..Question of the Day – Letters of Recommendation

Marriage: Five Questions to Ask Each Other

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