Even though this topic has been on my mind lately, I’ve been putting off this post for a while, feeling ashamed and disappointed in myself. And because I feel this way, I’m guessing that there are others out there who do too. Others who give in to emotional and/or compulsive eating. Like me, you are probably strict with your diet and are “good” all week long, counting calories or watching portion sizes. But come the weekend it’s a food fest, where everything and anything goes. Then comes the guilt and the regret and the renewed dedication to start over on Monday. And so the cycle goes.
I know it well and I should, since I’ve been doing it most of my life. There are variations of course. Sometimes I go for months without succumbing to the inner voice, the voice that tells me I have to eat that piece of cake at all costs. And other times I eat until I’m past the point of being full and even then I can’t stop. It’s like I have to fill my stomach until it physically won’t hold any more.
I always thought it was a matter of weakness or poor self control. Which is confusing because there are some things that I have complete control over. I gave up chocolate seven years ago. Cold turkey, I just walked away. And how I loved chocolate! That was the problem, I loved it too much, so I couldn’t allow myself even a single piece and I haven’t had it since. I gave up sodas. Let me tell you what a sacrifice that was, the crisp, biting feeling of the carbonation sliding down your throat. The rush of caffeine as it hits your stomach. mmm…..
Oh, where was I?
Ah yes, emotional eating. See, I finally realized that it’s not a matter of self-control or willpower. I made this realization after I started emotionally eating again a few months ago. Nothing terribly awful, I’m still fairly strict with my food. But after gaining a few pounds I realized that I have a problem and before I get too far gone, I decided to get help.
That’s when I met Ginger and Vivianne* who specialize in emotional eating and compulsive eating disorders. Disorder is such a scary word isn’t it? I think that’s what’s kept me from looking for help for so long. I mean everyone knows about bulemia and anorexia and they’re easily classified, but compulsive eating? Surely that’s just some made up name to make us feel better.
But the more I learn about it, the more I realize that it defines my problem right down to the last mood swing. Here’s the official definition (according to Brown University) “Compulsive overeating is characterized by uncontrollable eating followed by feelings of guilt and shame.” Here are some of the warning signs:
- bingeing, or eating uncontrollably
- purging by strict dieting, fasting, vigorous exercise, vomiting or abusing
- using laxatives or diuretics in an attempt to lose weight
- using the bathroom frequently after meals
- preoccupation with body weight
- depression or mood swings
- irregular periods
Hmmm… I think I can say yes to most of those at some time or other in my life. Couple that with emotional eating which is defined as “eating in response to boredom, stress, fatigue, tension, depression, anger, anxiety or loneliness as a way to “fill the void,” (Medicine.net) and you see what I’ve been dealing with.
But for the first time in my entire adult life, actually since childhood, I feel some hope. And not just the hope that comes from reading a well-written self-help diet book, although some of those are good too. I’m talking about the kind of help that really gets beneath all of the hows and discovers the whys. For the first time in my life I am evaluating the question: why do I do this?
Hopefully I’ll soon know the answer.
Related Posts:
24 comments