Pregnancy: How Do You Decide When to Have a Baby?

–>You discuss it with your spouse that you both want kids and then you just do it (pun intended). If you wait til you can afford having a child, it will never happen. It’s easy to cut out some expenses and get creative on some purchases to save money.

Believe me, the child is Worth Every Penny (plus a lot more).

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Prayer is important too. Our first child did not come easily. It was quite a few years before God granted us that little baby. The next came easily, and the third surprised us! God decided on our children’s timing, not us at all. We’d have a seven year old if we had picked! But He knew best.

My wife and I planned to have our daughter, but we found out we were having her about a year too early. Life did it his own way, but good for him. The timing seemed to be perfect. These are excellent questions and similar to the list we asked ourselves. I would add, “Is your bond tight enough to withstand the sometimes difficulty of a new person in the house.”

We knew we wanted kids, but the timing was the question. Getting out of school, getting employed, getting a house … we had a few milestones we wanted to reach first …

Or at least we said we did. But one day on our summer vacation, we just decided to go for it. And it turned out that it took much longer than anticipated. We ended up hitting all our previous milestones and then some (ended up with the dog joining our family first rather than last ) before we were blessed with Our Julia. Then, of course, Our Dax was stubborn enough to decide when we needed him and surprised us all!

But I can tell you that no matter how ready you feel to start trying, once you see those two pink lines (and once you’re about nine months along and then again when they hand you that teeny precious newborn), you won’t feel ready at all

You’re husband’s right … waiting for the perfect time usually means nothing ever gets done!

I have been struggling with all these questions, especially the emotional one, for years now. It still terrifies me, but for right now, the practical aspects still aren’t met.

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EXPERTS? Who are these EXPERTS? People who had children under the ideal circumstances and raised them to be perfect citizens, something they were only capable of doing because they fulfilled conditions X, Y, and Z?

Seriously, it’s like people forget that once upon a time, babies were born to teenagers who lived in caves and they were obviously OKAY ENOUGH to carry on the human species. I know that we all want to do what’s “best” for our children, but EXPERTS? Really?

Personally, we made the decision over dinner. I said: What do you think about having a baby? He said: I’d like that; what do you think? I said: I’d like that too. And THAT is why we got married, too; we went ring shopping the following weekend lol.

Once you think you have everything in line and decide “Sure I am ready to have a kid now”, your body may have a different agenda. It is the reality of our bodies. Women only have so many eggs and as we get older the quality of those eggs diminishes.

There are also health aspects to consider. I thought I could wait to have children til I was 30. Then whenever I wanted one, poof, there it would be. But that’s not the case. Do to some health issues my doctor gave me the “You had better start trying now, but you may not be able to conceive” and I’m only 26 years old.

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I married my husband at 19 (we are still very happily married 24 years later). We never really thought about the if or when to have children. But we agreed we would have them, one day.

I just did what I was supposed to do as a Catholic, and used the no-synthetic-birth-control rhythm method, which worked until it didn’t work any more. And, when the method failed, we were thrilled – no hesitation at all, we knew it was meant to be. Perhaps we were too naive (or dumb?) to be worried or scared, but we were thrilled nonetheless.

True – The how and when and why is different for every couple. But I’ll tell you this, as the mother of a now 21-year old son and an 18-year old son (conceived quite effortlessly after a vasectomy reversal – yes, it CAN be done!) just do it. Don’t wait. People I know that waited until their late 30′s and into their 40′s all tell me they regret not having children earlier in life. Those that know me can’t believe my boys are already out of the house, and they envy the fact that my husband and I are young enough and have the money to enjoy life with our adult children properly. Just my 2-cents – worth only what you paid for it, of course.

If both you and your partner agree you want children then Just do it. The required money, patience and the time and other resources will come and fall into place. I firmly believe that’s why God gives us 9-give-or-take months to get our ducks in a row. If your heart wants children, have them. There will never be enough money, time, patience or anything else you think you need because the truth is, you won’t know exactly what you need and you cannot be prepared until you are handed that brand new baby. Then, God’s grace shines on you and you just some how, some way, make it work.

Writer Dad : I like your added question. How did you go about measuring the “tightness” of the bond?

Sara : Your decision-making process reads incredibly drama and stress free. Love it.

My favorite it Tabitha’s #4. Not something I’ve given any thought. I’m pretty vain, work out religiously and am not fond of the idea of swollen cankles. But I’m certain I’ll get over myself when the decision is made.

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Jes – Don’t give up hope yet! The doctor told me I wouldn’t be able to conceive. And I did. Twice. Our first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, which is unbelievably heartbreaking, but the knowledge that the human body is sometimes capable of the scientifically inexplicable has been empowering.

Nelia (and Tabitha) – I think pregnancy will surprise you. The strange thing about it is that just as you start to panic about relinquishing control over your body, it becomes increasingly clear that your body knows what it’s doing. The lucky thing about it is that you feel the baby move when you’re still not showing too much, and it’s so much easier to share when you can feel the movements. Those first few kicks are mindblowing; they make you forget that your body isn’t just yours and then they make you saddened to remember that this pregnancy gig isn’t permanent.

I’m the one who posed the question to Tabitha. Interesting insights and the questions, of course, are handy. I’m in a bit of a different situation where I became a full-time stepmom to a 7 year old when we got married. It wasn’t exactly part of the plan that we would have him all the time, full time, when we planned on getting married, but now we do. So I’m already a mom and I’ve realized that the hardest part for me is definitely the loss of freedom and independence we’ve experienced. I’m really struggling with whether or not to have one of our own because I’m seeing first hand how hard it really is to have a little needy being around all the time (and I didn’t even have to do dirty diapers!). He’s great and I love him and we’ve always had a great relationship, but man, it’s a whole new exercise in patience and understanding. Not to mention the sudden requirement of having to think for 2 people (zip your fly; brush your hair; brush your teeth; tighten your belt; where are your socks; did you feed the fish?; yes, you must eat the vegetables before dessert; did you remember your lunchbox?; where’s your homework…wah!!!) I appreciate my own mom so much more than I ever did before…

Thanks for the comments, it’s a lot to think about!!

Great questions, and good comments from all. In my experience (father of four), mother (and father) generally rise to the occasion and find a way to take on the new responsibilities that come with parenthood. Becoming a parent changes your life in ways that cannot be imagined and just have to be experienced. It is the hardest job in the world. But, thanks to God above, we are given the strength, wisdom, and ability to make it all work.

I really am not trying to “start anything” here but in response to part of Leigh’s comment: “I tell people to HAVE KIDS! Let’s face it, when you’re old and gray, none of us will wish we hadn’t had that additional child. We would all wish we’d had more of these blessings!”

Not everyone walking on this planet wants to have kids and that does not make that person selfish or any of the other ways you tried to describe it. AND, not everyone walking on this planet should have kids. Just because you have the child doesn’t automatically mean when you are old and gray that the child will be there for you, at that point they will be grown and possibly have their own family. I’m glad that you are happy with how your life worked out but remember….decisions are ours to make and ours to live with and while it sounds like you wouldn’t change anything about your life, there’s not one thing I’d change about mine…and the Unfortunate Freedom you speak of – just because a person doesn’t have kids doesn’t mean they don’t have responsibilities that limit the freedom. I’m sure the comments of selfishness are flowing through your head, but you do not know me, and I do not know you – so believe me when I say that not having children was a blessing for me.

Tabitha, thank you for this post – and for allowing a comments section. Everyone has an opinion and is entitled to it – I hope that my opinion is a little thought provoking to others. And stick by my original comment: “I’ve often heard that if you wait until you can afford children, you won’t have children. So have the discussions necessary with your spouse and make the decision(s) right for you.”

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Perhaps the most important question to ponder, as someone else mentioned, is whether or not you really WANT children. And I mean primarily in an emotional sense, not in a, “well, I do want to carry on the family name” way. Though I am typically a very logical person, relationships like a parent/child bond can’t be primarily dictated by reason, so making sure all your ducks are in a row before having your first child may prove to make little difference in the end compared to how you feel towards the little one.

The financial aspect, while not a bad idea to at least give some thought to (“Will the medical bill for the birth literally put us in bankruptcy?”), just seems to work itself out most of the time (well actually, it’s human ingenuity that works it out). We were in desperate financial straits when our first child was born – only nine months into our marriage, and we were only 20 & 21 years old, respectively. But we never went hungry, we found ways to make it work. And an additional 3 kids later, it’s been a major financial strain with the addition of each one, but it always works out.

I grew up the oldest of 6 children. My mother has often voiced during my teen & adulthood the fact that she did not want to have so many children, and she made frequent comments about the various difficulties her children had caused her. Because of that experience, I truly believe that the act of choosing to avoid having children because a person knows they do not want to be a parent is really an act of love. Granted, I thought I didn’t want children, but I also knew that I would dearly love any children that I DID end up having. I just thought that I would prefer to focus on my career. So while our first, “surprise” pregnancy didn’t thrill me initially, I quickly became excited and anticipated our baby’s arrival (though I’ll admit my primary concern at first was the stretch marks I feared!). But if a person is honest with themselves enough to know that they would truly not enjoy being a parent, then I applaud them for recognizing that about themselves and acting accordingly. Being an unwanted child sucks.

And for those who do want children but aren’t sure if it’s the right time – go with your gut. Don’t wait until it looks right on paper, or like so many here have said, you’ll never do it. When you feel the time is right, it probably is!

i’ve often said that if you wait for a convenient time to have kids, you’ll never have them. because kids are just a giant interruption.

i DO, however, agree it’s ESSENTIAL you have a solid relationship before you have kids. having a baby only compounds and multiplies existing friction in a marriage and can add new tensions as priorities change.

all that to say i love my son and wouldn’t trade him for anything!

Taking care of a baby is a huge responsibility. I think that couples need to thoroughly discuss the changes that will occur when the baby arrives. Aside from money concerns, caring for a baby demands a lot of time on both parents. But if couples are decided to handle the responsibility, they can overcome the challenges together. I never thought I was prepared when my baby came along. But after a while, you get to cope, and being a parent is the most wonderful thing that has happened to me.
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