Pregnancy: How Do You Decide When to Have a Baby?
Tue, May 19, 2009
A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post called “How Do You Know When to Get Married?” Â Afterward, I received a sweet email from a reader asking if I would pose the same question about having children.
While I have written previous posts about my personal experience and how I finally decided that I was ready to get pregnant, I realized it’s not the same for everyone because all women are different. Â Some just go for it and others, like me, tend to research and read everything they can get their hands on.
So, I decided to do a little research myself. Â And from that research, I compiled a list of questions that experts say you should ask yourself before deciding to start a family:
1) Can you afford it? Â Ahh… the ole finance question. Â It makes sense though. Â It’s expensive raising a baby. Â According to SureBaby.com, you could spend anywhere from $125-$250,000 before your little one turns 18. Â Just in the first year, they suggest you plan on spending $9,000 – $11,000 for diapers, clothes, furniture, etc. Â Couple those costs with the fact that either you or your spouse may decide to work from home, thereby decreasing your income, and you could be looking at a definite financial challenge. Â That said, I know that somehow people make it work. Â Granted, they may not be rich and they may have to do without some extravagances, but I know that it is still possible.
2) Who will take care of the baby? This may seem like an obvious question, but, as I’m finding out myself, it may not be. Â If both parents are currently employed, then either one of them has to stay home or else they have to find a nanny or other day care provider. Â Again, these aren’t inexpensive options.
3) Are you emotionally ready? Being married or in a relationship has its own set of challenges and adding a baby to the mix can increase those challenges or create new ones.  From an article titled Are You Ready to Have a Baby, Dr. Issoksen, a licensed psychologist, said, “They (parents) often imagine they will be madly in love with their new babies and will sit around staring longingly into each other’s eyes,” she says. “They are not prepared for what sleep deprivation really feels like or how it affects relationships. They are not prepared for the feelings of loss and grief as they focus on the loss of spontaneity in their lives, the loss of intimate time with a partner, the changes in friendships. They are not prepared for the depression and anxiety that so often accompanies the arrival of a new baby. Minimally, 10 to 20 percent of new moms will experience a level of depression or anxiety that will feel debilitating.”
4) Are you ready to surrender control of your body? This is the one that I personally struggle with but it is definitely something that needs to be considered. Â When a woman gets pregnant, her body is quite literally not just hers anymore. Â Everything she eats, drinks or does affects the baby. Â After it is born, she will need her body to take care of the baby whether this means breast feeding or just being physically able to keep up with the demands of caring for a little one.
5) Â What are your long-term goals? This is an excellent question, although it may be difficult for some to answer considering circumstances often change greatly in five or ten years. Â But it’s still a good idea to try to picture yourself with a child five, ten, and twenty years from now. Â Will having a family fit into your goals and your plans? Â Or maybe a better question: Â will you be able to change your goals to fit your family?
These are just some of the questions that I found in my research. Â I’m sure that they are just some of the issues to consider as there are many factors that come into play when making this huge decision. Â And I realize that not everyone has this opportunity to decide as they may find themselves pregnant without planning it. Â I also think that sometimes you really do just have to take a leap of faith and trust that things will work themselves out. Â Because, as my husband often says, if you wait until things are perfect to do something, you’ll never do it.
Very wise words indeed.
How did you decide you wanted to start a family? Â Was there a particular question you asked yourself or is there some advice you would give to others?
Resources:
RELATED POSTS:
Popularity: 37% [?]
Tags: having a baby, Pregnancy Life
May 19th, 2009 at 4:00 am
–>You discuss it with your spouse that you both want kids and then you just do it (pun intended). If you wait til you can afford having a child, it will never happen. It’s easy to cut out some expenses and get creative on some purchases to save money.
Believe me, the child is Worth Every Penny (plus a lot more).
http://thaxtonfam.blogspot.com/
May 19th, 2009 at 5:16 am
When you and your spouse are ready, go for it. It will NEVER be the perfect time financially to have a baby, but I really feel like this is an area where money cannot control your life. Yes kids are expensive, but a really good way to see if you’re ready is to evaluate whether you are ready to make the sacrifices that come with having a child.
My husband and I do not have a lot of money, but I knew from the start that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom for my kid(s). It has been VERY difficult, but completely worth it! Wouldn’t change it for the world!
The same goes for the whole body control thing. A lot of women look for excuses to allow themselves a little alcohol or caffeine or whatnot during pregnancy. Okay, so a cup of coffee now and then is probably completely harmless, but I feel like if you’re not willing to make sacrifices like giving up alcohol for 9 months, then you are not ready to have a baby.
For us personally, we were pretty young when we had our first, but we just knew we were ready! We had no money and were living in a small apartment, but our son has never lacked anything.
May 19th, 2009 at 5:24 am
Prayer is important too. Our first child did not come easily. It was quite a few years before God granted us that little baby. The next came easily, and the third surprised us! God decided on our children’s timing, not us at all. We’d have a seven year old if we had picked! But He knew best.
May 19th, 2009 at 6:29 am
Well again, I’m not really the best person to go off of.
BUT I am here to say that surprises can be wonderful!!
May 19th, 2009 at 6:31 am
My wife and I planned to have our daughter, but we found out we were having her about a year too early. Life did it his own way, but good for him. The timing seemed to be perfect. These are excellent questions and similar to the list we asked ourselves. I would add, “Is your bond tight enough to withstand the sometimes difficulty of a new person in the house.”
May 19th, 2009 at 6:38 am
Your husband’s words are exactly what I was going to say–there is never a perfect time. As you know I do not have children, but in thinking about the next 5-10 years of our life we have considered some of those questions. Some of them we have answers to, but some we don’t…which is all the more reason to wait a little longer. Plus, I know at this point I’m too selfish to give up my sponataneity and personal spending $.
May 19th, 2009 at 6:54 am
We knew we wanted kids, but the timing was the question. Getting out of school, getting employed, getting a house … we had a few milestones we wanted to reach first …
Or at least we said we did. But one day on our summer vacation, we just decided to go for it. And it turned out that it took much longer than anticipated. We ended up hitting all our previous milestones and then some (ended up with the dog joining our family first rather than last
) before we were blessed with Our Julia. Then, of course, Our Dax was stubborn enough to decide when we needed him and surprised us all!
But I can tell you that no matter how ready you feel to start trying, once you see those two pink lines (and once you’re about nine months along and then again when they hand you that teeny precious newborn), you won’t feel ready at all
You’re husband’s right … waiting for the perfect time usually means nothing ever gets done!
May 19th, 2009 at 7:01 am
Great questions! I think the most important question is do you want to have children? We had a surprise pregnancy and even bigger surprise that it was twins. Luckily we got ready really fast for the upcoming babies. Though I am not sure if anyone is ever truly ready. Having a baby is a huge change in everything! From money, to time, to your body, to your marriage, to raising the children. It definitely the most wonderful thing we’ve ever done, even if it wasn’t planned by “us” at that time. I know God planned the boys for us!
May 19th, 2009 at 8:32 am
I have been struggling with all these questions, especially the emotional one, for years now. It still terrifies me, but for right now, the practical aspects still aren’t met.
Kristina´s last blog post..Gambling With My Life on The Fun Bus
May 19th, 2009 at 8:44 am
I knew I wanted children from a young age, and I knew when I met my husband that he was the man I was meant to have them with. As far as making the final decision to have a child and start trying… we skipped that step and it happened on it’s own… both times.
But, what a blessing. Emotionally we were both ready before it happened. Other things are still being worked out as we go, such as daycare, etc.
I think that some people just know that they want children and wait for the right timing, while others take a while to get there… to determine that it’s the life changing event that they are willing to go for.
Terra´s last blog post..Soda Creek
May 19th, 2009 at 8:52 am
EXPERTS? Who are these EXPERTS? People who had children under the ideal circumstances and raised them to be perfect citizens, something they were only capable of doing because they fulfilled conditions X, Y, and Z?
Seriously, it’s like people forget that once upon a time, babies were born to teenagers who lived in caves and they were obviously OKAY ENOUGH to carry on the human species. I know that we all want to do what’s “best” for our children, but EXPERTS? Really?
Personally, we made the decision over dinner. I said: What do you think about having a baby? He said: I’d like that; what do you think? I said: I’d like that too. And THAT is why we got married, too; we went ring shopping the following weekend lol.
May 19th, 2009 at 10:02 am
We’re hoping in 3-5 years. I think we came on that number because we want 2-3 kids, and we don’t want to have them super-late. that’s also giving us a good viewpoint on our friends, most of whom are having kids now. So we get to see and discuss what we like and don’t like (not in front of our friends!), which I think puts us more on the same page. There’s also the job aspect too. We’re both in careers where it will never be convenient/perfect to have a child. But, 3-5 years from now, we’ll be much more settled.
Emotionally, having the space between wedding and baby I think is also good for the relationship (watch– I’ll end up having baby 9 months after the wedding). There’s a chance for you to be together, married, before baby. I think that’s important.
Jess´s last blog post..Baby stuff
May 19th, 2009 at 10:40 am
Once you think you have everything in line and decide “Sure I am ready to have a kid now”, your body may have a different agenda. It is the reality of our bodies. Women only have so many eggs and as we get older the quality of those eggs diminishes.
There are also health aspects to consider. I thought I could wait to have children til I was 30. Then whenever I wanted one, poof, there it would be. But that’s not the case. Do to some health issues my doctor gave me the “You had better start trying now, but you may not be able to conceive” and I’m only 26 years old.
Jes the Bes´s last blog post..Master of What?
May 19th, 2009 at 10:50 am
So far – and granted, “so far” has only been 8 days – I have been happily surprised with our emotional handling of this baby. Thus far becoming parents together has been an incredibly intimate experience and brought us both closer together. When I was pregnant I was terrified that I would love the baby too much, to the exclusion of my husband, or that he or I would be jealous of the other’s time with her. I was embarrassed that we would go through labor together and he would see me in such an awful, primal state, not in control of anything. But… it was oddly liberating for him to see me like that. He helped me through the worst (and best) experience of my life and we are so much closer for it. There could have been a thousand doctors and nurses in that room but for both of us – it was just us there birthing our baby. We are the ones who take care of her. I love watching him cuddle her and love on her, and he loves watching me feed her. We are definitely sleep-deprived and I see the effects of that most in that we fight more, get frustrated easier, and I cry more easily. But… so far this has been great emotionally, for us and for the baby.
erin´s last blog post..hannah’s birth story
May 19th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
I married my husband at 19 (we are still very happily married 24 years later). We never really thought about the if or when to have children. But we agreed we would have them, one day.
I just did what I was supposed to do as a Catholic, and used the no-synthetic-birth-control rhythm method, which worked until it didn’t work any more. And, when the method failed, we were thrilled – no hesitation at all, we knew it was meant to be. Perhaps we were too naive (or dumb?) to be worried or scared, but we were thrilled nonetheless.
True – The how and when and why is different for every couple. But I’ll tell you this, as the mother of a now 21-year old son and an 18-year old son (conceived quite effortlessly after a vasectomy reversal – yes, it CAN be done!) just do it. Don’t wait. People I know that waited until their late 30’s and into their 40’s all tell me they regret not having children earlier in life. Those that know me can’t believe my boys are already out of the house, and they envy the fact that my husband and I are young enough and have the money to enjoy life with our adult children properly. Just my 2-cents – worth only what you paid for it, of course.
If both you and your partner agree you want children then Just do it. The required money, patience and the time and other resources will come and fall into place. I firmly believe that’s why God gives us 9-give-or-take months to get our ducks in a row. If your heart wants children, have them. There will never be enough money, time, patience or anything else you think you need because the truth is, you won’t know exactly what you need and you cannot be prepared until you are handed that brand new baby. Then, God’s grace shines on you and you just some how, some way, make it work.
May 19th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
My husband and I are expecting our first baby next Thursday! And it wasn’t planned! And we’re scared poopless! WOO HOO!
In all seriousness, we really didn’t plan our pregnancy and so we’ve been caught off guard by a lot of things. Mainly the cost of daycare. We can’t afford for me to stay home, but we are barely going to be able to afford daycare either. In the end, we are having to cut back on a LOT of things (like my beloved trips to Target…sigh…) in order to afford the cost of weekly daycare. It isn’t ideal, but we’re making it work.
I truly think it happens when its supposed to happen and things just have a way of working themselves out. Just stay positive and flexible.
Katie´s last blog post..Won’t You Be My Neighbor?
May 19th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Writer Dad : I like your added question. How did you go about measuring the “tightness” of the bond?
Sara : Your decision-making process reads incredibly drama and stress free. Love it.
My favorite it Tabitha’s #4. Not something I’ve given any thought. I’m pretty vain, work out religiously and am not fond of the idea of swollen cankles. But I’m certain I’ll get over myself when the decision is made.
Nelia´s last blog post..Nelia’s Closing : How to Travel with an Acutely Time Sensitive Spouse
May 19th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
I had my one and only son at age 22. I wanted him..was married already..and his Dad wanted him. He was planned for and tried for. Thank goodness too because by everyone else’s standards we were too young, I had no education and had just lost my job when I found out I was knocked up. Ten years later I learned I have PCOS. Had I waited, I probablly would have never conceived. My feeling is this…if you want children….have them…everything else will work itself out. My son is now 16 and I’m working on my Masters and my career and guess what…I have no regrets. I have it all..I just did it backwards by some people’s standards. All these women now who waited…..are fretting because they are having much difficulty getting pregnant later in life. Infertility should be a consideration…the older you get the more chance of difficulties.
May 19th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Jes – Don’t give up hope yet! The doctor told me I wouldn’t be able to conceive. And I did. Twice. Our first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, which is unbelievably heartbreaking, but the knowledge that the human body is sometimes capable of the scientifically inexplicable has been empowering.
Nelia (and Tabitha) – I think pregnancy will surprise you. The strange thing about it is that just as you start to panic about relinquishing control over your body, it becomes increasingly clear that your body knows what it’s doing. The lucky thing about it is that you feel the baby move when you’re still not showing too much, and it’s so much easier to share when you can feel the movements. Those first few kicks are mindblowing; they make you forget that your body isn’t just yours and then they make you saddened to remember that this pregnancy gig isn’t permanent.
May 19th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
I have little to add here since I am child-free by choice, but I’ve often heard that if you wait until you can afford children, you won’t have children. So have the discussions necessary with your spouse and make the decision(s) right for you.
Angela´s last blog post..In a blogging rut
May 19th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
I’m the one who posed the question to Tabitha. Interesting insights and the questions, of course, are handy. I’m in a bit of a different situation where I became a full-time stepmom to a 7 year old when we got married. It wasn’t exactly part of the plan that we would have him all the time, full time, when we planned on getting married, but now we do. So I’m already a mom and I’ve realized that the hardest part for me is definitely the loss of freedom and independence we’ve experienced. I’m really struggling with whether or not to have one of our own because I’m seeing first hand how hard it really is to have a little needy being around all the time (and I didn’t even have to do dirty diapers!). He’s great and I love him and we’ve always had a great relationship, but man, it’s a whole new exercise in patience and understanding. Not to mention the sudden requirement of having to think for 2 people (zip your fly; brush your hair; brush your teeth; tighten your belt; where are your socks; did you feed the fish?; yes, you must eat the vegetables before dessert; did you remember your lunchbox?; where’s your homework…wah!!!) I appreciate my own mom so much more than I ever did before…
Thanks for the comments, it’s a lot to think about!!
May 19th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
I’m only 24 but if finances allowed, I’d start trying for a baby tomorrow. I’ve always done things at a young age travel, moving out of home, buying a house… I know that one of my reasons for being here is to be a mother, and I look forward of all of it.
Things I am terrified of: sleep deprivation and mental problems (susceptible to depression).
I know people say “just go for it”, but I want to be able to stay home with mybaby so I need to be able to afford that before I start trying for a baby. I don’t personally see the pointin having a baby and getting strangers to take care of it all the time. Having said that, if I accidently fell pregnant, I would just make do.
curiousjessica´s last blog post..Misgivings and Guilt
May 20th, 2009 at 3:04 am
Great questions, and good comments from all. In my experience (father of four), mother (and father) generally rise to the occasion and find a way to take on the new responsibilities that come with parenthood. Becoming a parent changes your life in ways that cannot be imagined and just have to be experienced. It is the hardest job in the world. But, thanks to God above, we are given the strength, wisdom, and ability to make it all work.
May 20th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
The problem is we think too much and have too many options.
What a ride to have no idea where babies come from, to get married and to know that marriage means children.
Unfortunately, we feel entitled to our freedoms, our knowledge, ourSELVES. The most amazing thing about growing and welcoming a baby into the world is that you realize, really realize that life is not all about self. I am a grateful mother of 4. My oldest was our “surprise”. We were 24, one year into marriage and had a 5 year plan… In other words, we would start having kids once we had had some “us time”, once we had had some fun, once we had lived a little and had grown up. Or so we thought!
I would not have changed a thing then or now. Sure we scraped to buy a house, we borrowed baby items (an old carseat here, a used high chair there) but, our baby lived and did quite well. He had colic. What a welcome to motherhood. Colic takes 2 years off of a mother’s life, I am completely convinced of this!
But, he is amazing! And, if we had waited to “plan” our child, we would not have him. The rest were not planned, in the sense that we did not snap our fingers and were pregnant. We got them in the right time.
I tell people to HAVE KIDS! Let’s face it, when you’re old and gray, none of us will wish we hadn’t had that additional child. We would all wish we’d had more of these blessings!
May 27th, 2009 at 6:46 am
I really am not trying to “start anything” here but in response to part of Leigh’s comment: “I tell people to HAVE KIDS! Let’s face it, when you’re old and gray, none of us will wish we hadn’t had that additional child. We would all wish we’d had more of these blessings!”
Not everyone walking on this planet wants to have kids and that does not make that person selfish or any of the other ways you tried to describe it. AND, not everyone walking on this planet should have kids. Just because you have the child doesn’t automatically mean when you are old and gray that the child will be there for you, at that point they will be grown and possibly have their own family. I’m glad that you are happy with how your life worked out but remember….decisions are ours to make and ours to live with and while it sounds like you wouldn’t change anything about your life, there’s not one thing I’d change about mine…and the Unfortunate Freedom you speak of – just because a person doesn’t have kids doesn’t mean they don’t have responsibilities that limit the freedom. I’m sure the comments of selfishness are flowing through your head, but you do not know me, and I do not know you – so believe me when I say that not having children was a blessing for me.
Tabitha, thank you for this post – and for allowing a comments section. Everyone has an opinion and is entitled to it – I hope that my opinion is a little thought provoking to others. And stick by my original comment: “I’ve often heard that if you wait until you can afford children, you won’t have children. So have the discussions necessary with your spouse and make the decision(s) right for you.”
Angela´s last blog post..The 80s
May 30th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
Sara : Thanks for that insight. I can only hope that I’ll get somewhere close to wanting the pregnancy phase to be indefinite…
Nelia´s last blog post..Nelia’s Rebuttal : The 30 Day "Journal Your Relationship" Challenge
June 5th, 2009 at 11:05 am
Perhaps the most important question to ponder, as someone else mentioned, is whether or not you really WANT children. And I mean primarily in an emotional sense, not in a, “well, I do want to carry on the family name” way. Though I am typically a very logical person, relationships like a parent/child bond can’t be primarily dictated by reason, so making sure all your ducks are in a row before having your first child may prove to make little difference in the end compared to how you feel towards the little one.
The financial aspect, while not a bad idea to at least give some thought to (“Will the medical bill for the birth literally put us in bankruptcy?”), just seems to work itself out most of the time (well actually, it’s human ingenuity that works it out). We were in desperate financial straits when our first child was born – only nine months into our marriage, and we were only 20 & 21 years old, respectively. But we never went hungry, we found ways to make it work. And an additional 3 kids later, it’s been a major financial strain with the addition of each one, but it always works out.
I grew up the oldest of 6 children. My mother has often voiced during my teen & adulthood the fact that she did not want to have so many children, and she made frequent comments about the various difficulties her children had caused her. Because of that experience, I truly believe that the act of choosing to avoid having children because a person knows they do not want to be a parent is really an act of love. Granted, I thought I didn’t want children, but I also knew that I would dearly love any children that I DID end up having. I just thought that I would prefer to focus on my career. So while our first, “surprise” pregnancy didn’t thrill me initially, I quickly became excited and anticipated our baby’s arrival (though I’ll admit my primary concern at first was the stretch marks I feared!). But if a person is honest with themselves enough to know that they would truly not enjoy being a parent, then I applaud them for recognizing that about themselves and acting accordingly. Being an unwanted child sucks.
And for those who do want children but aren’t sure if it’s the right time – go with your gut. Don’t wait until it looks right on paper, or like so many here have said, you’ll never do it. When you feel the time is right, it probably is!
July 16th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Lot of good info in this post. My hubby and I have been talking a lot of babies lately. Finance is probably the number one concern. We were eyeballing about between 10K and 20K for the first year after the baby is born. Lovely article, very informative
Jackie at PhamFatale.com´s last blog post..Frangipane Petit Four topped with a Raspberry Mascarpone Frosting
October 11th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
i’ve often said that if you wait for a convenient time to have kids, you’ll never have them. because kids are just a giant interruption.
i DO, however, agree it’s ESSENTIAL you have a solid relationship before you have kids. having a baby only compounds and multiplies existing friction in a marriage and can add new tensions as priorities change.
all that to say i love my son and wouldn’t trade him for anything!
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:07 pm
Fantastic site, I really like your writing style. Very distinctive and to the point. On a lot of blogs people just drone on and on, but not you – very nice. Keep up the excellent work! I love visiting other sites about parenting! It seems like there is constantly new things to learn about it. Thanks again for a well-written web site.