i DO, however, agree it’s ESSENTIAL you have a solid relationship before you have kids. having a baby only compounds and multiplies existing friction in a marriage and can add new tensions as priorities change.

all that to say i love my son and wouldn’t trade him for anything!

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The financial aspect, while not a bad idea to at least give some thought to (“Will the medical bill for the birth literally put us in bankruptcy?”), just seems to work itself out most of the time (well actually, it’s human ingenuity that works it out). We were in desperate financial straits when our first child was born – only nine months into our marriage, and we were only 20 & 21 years old, respectively. But we never went hungry, we found ways to make it work. And an additional 3 kids later, it’s been a major financial strain with the addition of each one, but it always works out.

I grew up the oldest of 6 children. My mother has often voiced during my teen & adulthood the fact that she did not want to have so many children, and she made frequent comments about the various difficulties her children had caused her. Because of that experience, I truly believe that the act of choosing to avoid having children because a person knows they do not want to be a parent is really an act of love. Granted, I thought I didn’t want children, but I also knew that I would dearly love any children that I DID end up having. I just thought that I would prefer to focus on my career. So while our first, “surprise” pregnancy didn’t thrill me initially, I quickly became excited and anticipated our baby’s arrival (though I’ll admit my primary concern at first was the stretch marks I feared!). But if a person is honest with themselves enough to know that they would truly not enjoy being a parent, then I applaud them for recognizing that about themselves and acting accordingly. Being an unwanted child sucks.

And for those who do want children but aren’t sure if it’s the right time – go with your gut. Don’t wait until it looks right on paper, or like so many here have said, you’ll never do it. When you feel the time is right, it probably is!

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Not everyone walking on this planet wants to have kids and that does not make that person selfish or any of the other ways you tried to describe it. AND, not everyone walking on this planet should have kids. Just because you have the child doesn’t automatically mean when you are old and gray that the child will be there for you, at that point they will be grown and possibly have their own family. I’m glad that you are happy with how your life worked out but remember….decisions are ours to make and ours to live with and while it sounds like you wouldn’t change anything about your life, there’s not one thing I’d change about mine…and the Unfortunate Freedom you speak of – just because a person doesn’t have kids doesn’t mean they don’t have responsibilities that limit the freedom. I’m sure the comments of selfishness are flowing through your head, but you do not know me, and I do not know you – so believe me when I say that not having children was a blessing for me.

Tabitha, thank you for this post – and for allowing a comments section. Everyone has an opinion and is entitled to it – I hope that my opinion is a little thought provoking to others. And stick by my original comment: “I’ve often heard that if you wait until you can afford children, you won’t have children. So have the discussions necessary with your spouse and make the decision(s) right for you.”

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Unfortunately, we feel entitled to our freedoms, our knowledge, ourSELVES. The most amazing thing about growing and welcoming a baby into the world is that you realize, really realize that life is not all about self. I am a grateful mother of 4. My oldest was our “surprise”. We were 24, one year into marriage and had a 5 year plan… In other words, we would start having kids once we had had some “us time”, once we had had some fun, once we had lived a little and had grown up. Or so we thought!

I would not have changed a thing then or now. Sure we scraped to buy a house, we borrowed baby items (an old carseat here, a used high chair there) but, our baby lived and did quite well. He had colic. What a welcome to motherhood. Colic takes 2 years off of a mother’s life, I am completely convinced of this! But, he is amazing! And, if we had waited to “plan” our child, we would not have him. The rest were not planned, in the sense that we did not snap our fingers and were pregnant. We got them in the right time.

I tell people to HAVE KIDS! Let’s face it, when you’re old and gray, none of us will wish we hadn’t had that additional child. We would all wish we’d had more of these blessings!

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