Stay At Home Mom – Yea or Nay?

Of course, you know I don’t have to make the decision yet, but I go through this scenario in my head and with my husband ALL the time. Where we live the housing prices are much lower, but we still have grown accustomed to living a certain way. Is it possible you could stay home for 1-2 years? Even just 1? Is there a way you could work from home? I can’t even imagine making the decision.
.-= Jessica @ How Sweet´s last blog ..Sin City Cookies. =-.

Your so right this is a super tough decision to make. For me it wasn’t possible to stay at home right away with the boys, it killed me to leave them at a day care, killed me. But they went and were fine for 20 months when I finally took the plunge quit my job and am now a Stay at home mom (best decision I’ve ever made). Now not one day do I regret anything, I don’t miss adult interaction, and I don’t miss my work. I don’t feel like my degree isn’t worth something, I know one day I will work again, but to me being with and raising my children is the most important job for me.

One thing that I do to not feel like I am missing out on any adult interaction is I take my boys to a play date each week, and to a toddler library hour. Its great to get out the boys enjoy it and I get to visit with other moms.

Good luck on your hard decision.
.-= Jenna @ Newlyweds´s last blog ..Newlyweds has a new home =-.

I am currently a SAHM. Truthfully some days I wish I had a job outside of the home and other days I am thankful I can stay at home. For us, the decision came down to the fact that if I did work, I would be working to pay for daycare and not have much leftover if anything. The reason being was a moved to be with my husband, so I would have to start over finding a job and the pay wouldn’t have been as good as the job I had previously. However, I did find a work at home job for some time but it got hard to do when my son got older because of the attention he needed. In fact, for me, it was downright hard because I felt like I was working 24/7 and not making a lot of money.

I can’t say I love being a SAHM only because it is a lot of work. Don’t get me wrong, I love being with my son and now new baby, but it is hard work too. But I also think if I was working, when would I have time to do all this stuff such as clean, cook and do laundry? Not to mention all the things I need to do for my son’s preschool such as donation, projects, etc. As it is, I struggle keeping up with this now. One thing my MIL did for me this time around was give me money to hire a cleaning service for a few months. Best gift right now for us! I commented to my husband yesterday that being a parent is hard. Well at least for me because of the time I spend making sure my son is prepared for preschool each day he goes, making sure he doesn’t miss out on field trips, volunteering for things when I can, etc. All this coupled with the fact I also now have an infant.

It is hard decision to make becoming a SAHM. If you have to work, then the decision is easy because there is no question what you need to do. But if you can have the luxury of staying at home, then it’s something to think about. My mom was a SAHM, and I remember how she was always available to pick us up from school if we were sick and if we needed to stay home because we were sick, there were no problems with her getting off from a job. My dad didn’t make a lot of money but my parents always made sure we had many opportunities growing up. I admire my parents for being able to do so. But I am also envious when I read about working moms who say they love daycare because they don’t have to worry about toilet training, being sick because they can stay home when their little one is at daycare and rest, etc. So much things to think about.

Good luck with your decision. I know friend who have taken maternity leave only to never return to their jobs. Perhaps that might help you with your decision!

P.S. Sorry for the rambling comment!

Ditto what Katie said…

I will HAVE to go back to work once we have our baby. And probably I will gain a certain sense of satisfaction from doing so. But really, I wish I could not go back to work. I want to work at the job I’ve looked forward to my whole life — Mom!

I hope at some point in my life I’ll be able to take off a couple of years to be a SAHM. But it definitely won’t be in the cards when we have our first child. And depending on when we have subsequent children — I can’t imagine the cost of two kids in daycare.
.-= Jenny´s last blog ..What is this thing? =-.

Ah, we are facing that same future dilemma. My fiance grew up with a SAHM and thinks that’s best and I grew up in daycare with a working mom and in my opinion, turned out perfectly fine. My parents and I were always close and our bond wasn’t hurt at all by me being in daycare.
All I can offer is words of support that there is no right or wrong option, just what works best for you and your family. Good luck with the decision making.
Looking forward to meeting your little man!

You have listed so many valid points about why you should or shouldn’t stay home. My thinking is this…. you can’t get the time back with your little one. They will only be little once, and with the cost of daycare in your area (HOLY MOLY…. we only pay about $35 a day), I would really consider staying home. If it’s not for you, then you can re-evaluate at that time. But I don’t think you’ll regret being home and raising your baby that you’ve wanted for so long. Just my $.02
.-= Terra´s last blog ..Our new family =-.

I feel VERY strongly about this topic.

I have been a SAHM for 3 years now, and we have been broke the whole time. We may never be homeowners and we may never take wonderful, expensive family vacations, but that is okay. I got to hear my son’s first words and watch him take his first steps. I was there when my daughter rolled over for the first time. And you know what? Almost all of my kids’ major milestones and accomplishments have happened between the hours of 9 and 5.

If you are accustomed to a certain standard of living and don’t think you’d be able to take a step down, then working outside the home is probably the way to go. However, I am 100% sure that I will not lie on my death bed someday and wish that I had worked more so that we could have had more stuff. I do believe everyone on their death bed wishes they had spent the maximum amount of time with their family.

I understand what you’re saying about investing in your career and education–I have a college education which I have never “used,” but I do not care. I could not stand the thought of someone else getting the lion’s share of the time with my babies. Think about it–at least 8 hours a day that someone else is the primary caregiver for your child. 8 out of the maybe 14 that they are awake.

As for needing adult company, that is absolutely a huge issue! It took me a while to figure it out, and it was difficult at first, but it is something you simply have to be proactive about. I go to Bible study Wednesday mornings, MOPS (a MUST!!!) every other Thursday, and have various playdates scheduled throughout each week. And mind you, the playdates are just as much for me and the other moms as they are for the kids! In fact, I would venture to say that we have at least one planned outing every single day. It takes effort, but it is needed and totally worth it.

When my kids are in school, I might go to work part-time, or I might not. I had a stay at home mom growing up, and it was wonderful knowing that if I forgot my lunch she would bring it to me, or if I got sick she would come and get me. And on days when we had early release from school or a snow day, she didn’t worry about what to do with us, she enjoyed spending that extra time with us.

Also, there is a VERY common misconception that being a SAHM is not “work.” Let me just say, when done right, there is no harder, busier, more rewarding job out there. If you think your current job gives you a sense of accomplishment, just wait until the first time your son points to the sun and says “yellow,” or the first time he sings along when you are singing “Jesus Loves Me.” It’s the most incredible feeling in the world.

The last factor I will mention is that of faith. I take the task of raising my kids to love the Lord very seriously. Jackson knows that God made the trees and the grass and the animals, and that Jesus loves us and that He lives in our hearts. They don’t teach that in day care.

Anyway, I could talk about it all day, and I hope I’ve not been offensive. This is just a topic that is very close to my heart. Being a SAHM has been a very difficult road for me, but I am 100% sure it has been the right one.

It’s not a difficult decision to make, (in my opinion) if your heart is in the right place and your head is screwed on properly.

Again, no need to throw olives at me, I’m just saying that I firmly believe that until a child can walk and talk and tell you when he is being hurt/feeling neglected, it is our job to be there 100% of the time. Throughout the years I’ve seen parents struggle with finding the right caregivers (in home/out of the home?) and all the unnecessary illnesses their children have suffered through because they were/are institutionalized at daycare facilities. And, don’t get me started on the issues of expecting to bond properly with a child that you hand over to someone else to raise, while you’re focused on the, “really important” stuff.

We lived in Monterey, California – the most expensive place in the States to live, when our sons were born and we did not move way from the Peninsula until they were 10 and 13 – Also, before we had the boys we lived in Arlington, Virginia and just under a year in Reston too, to be exact – which is probably the second most expensive place in the States to live… Therefore, what we (all) need to live is relative and doesn’t really matter where we live. It’s the HOW we live that often determines whether a woman can be a SAHM or not…

There are families struggling just as hard to make it in Iowa the same way we did in California or the way other families are struggling in your area.

So economics cannot be the reason a mother stays home to mother her baby or goes to work. If a family cannot survive without the second income, then there are ways to work around that while STILL putting the needs of the child/ren first. Basically, you have to want to be a SAHM – because the dirty little secret is that it is EASIER, and there are more reasons not to be a SAHM. While it seems like there is only one reason, (the baby) to be a SAHM, don’t be fooled, there are literally millions of great reasons to put yourself and your child first by becoming a SAHM. What kind of SAHM you become is ALL up to you! If you want to be a SAHM that runs her household like a corporation, takes pride in her appearance and occupies her mind to stay relevant to her husband and the world around her/outside her door – then you will. If you want to be the SAHM that shuffles around in her slippers and bathrobe all day amidst piles of dirty dishes and laundry and complains that she feels out of touch with her old friends, then you can. That’s the beauty, not difficulty, of this decision, Tabitha – you get to decide what’s best for you and your family and what kind of mother you want to be!

The way we made it work, when rent on a 525 square foot apartment in Monterey was $880.00 a month in 1988, was to find a brand new apartment complex that needed an on-site resident manager. In exchange for $600.00 off our monthly rent I showed apartments to potential tenants. From my apartment, where I got to be home all day with my brand new baby boy, I took phone calls, made showing appointments, took applications and rented vacant units around HIS schedule. Perks included a free phone and fax line plus free laundry in the on-site laundry room because I had access to the coin boxes to collect machine revenue!

To further supplement our income, (and offset the difference in what I earned before baby) my husband took care of the maintenance at the complex and even did some of the extra landscaping on weekends for additional pay. Because I was also still in college, I arranged to take classes in the evening, after my husband could be home with our son. The partnership that owned the apartment complex appreciated us so much that when our second son was on the way two years later, they let us move into a larger rental away from the complex and keep our jobs! We simply thought out-side the box and assigned our on-site duties to another tenant. I continued to market, show and rent the units and my husband did all the maintenance and landscaping while the on-site tenant was contacted for emergencies only.

We managed three different complexes in the Monterey and Pacific Grove area, (always ensuring they were in the best areas and school districts) until our sons were 5 and 8 years old.

When our youngest was ready for kindergarten, we bought a house using some of the money we were able to save all those years we paid reduced or no rent, and I went to work full time. By that time my husband had a new job with Kaufman & Broad, (now KB Homes) as a warranty manager so he was able to schedule his homeowner appointments around picking the boys up from school and being home with them until I got home at 4:30PM from my job with HCS (Household Credit Services.)

Again… This is just how it worked for us from 1988 – 1996. That’s not to say it was always smooth sailing – but when it didn’t work, we adjusted where we needed to adjust. However, our sons were the LAST ones we considered making adjustments with. We did everything we could and within our power and means to keep their world as calm and consistent as we could.

I agree that without something to do, besides dote on your baby/child all day, anyone could go a little stir-crazy – So, in addition to being an on-site resident manager I took in typing and wrote resumes. For two years I also managed a French foreign exchange student program from our living room… All the at-home work I did on top of taking the boys to the park every day (weather permitting), preparing meals and managing my home left me little time to be bored or to feel disconnected from the outside work. And looking back, the surprising thing is not that it worked out but just how many different opportunities there seemed to be for us to make it work. I know 21-years later, the opportunities available to you today are only bigger and better!

Today our sons are 21 and 18. They have lots of stories to tell about their childhoods – Disneyland twice a year at Easter and Columbus Day is usually what they recall first – and our oldest still talks about the complex we managed at 8 Arkwright in Pacific Grove, the big green one with the scary sounding water-heater (boiler) in the storage room where we kept his bikes. It always makes me smile that my boys have no babysitter or daycare stories to tell! And, Brandon (my 21 year old) didn’t have a cold, ear infection OR the chicken pox until he went to kindergarten! Then, he brought them home to his 3-year old brother…

I know you will make the decision that is best for your baby and total family! My money is on YOU every time!

Just my 2-cents. Worth only what you paid for it!

Oh, and Bravo Eryn!!

I wouldn’t have had to write a comment if I had read her comment first!

I am not sure what your degrees are….this said, My hubby is fixing to start a MBA program at work. When he is done he will qualify to teach online university classes. They classes are five weeks long, and they pay approx $1000-1500 for five weeks. He said once he gets a silibus and class schedule made he would only have to grade papers and post assignments. This of course would be ontop of his daily job but I was wondering depending on your degrees if this is something you could do to work from home and bring in some type of income. I used to be an insurance agent before getting the kids. I planned on going back to work and had daycare already set up. One week before I was supposed to go back we decided that after you factor in travel time, cloths, meals, daycare, etc, I wouldn’t really bring in much. So we decided I would stay home. It was scary at first but I have learned that God provides in ways unimagible. I am glad I am home and didn’t miss a thing. As far as adult interaction, I joined a local moms group and I have my blog/facebook. I have made friends with other moms and we have coffee dates, etc. I don’t feel deprived of adult interaction. -kriss
.-= kriss´s last blog ..Our Adoption Story =-.

I enjoy your blog; this is my first time commenting. My children are 5 (last week) and 20 months. I was fortunate in that I was able to take 6 and 7.5 months off maternity leave, which I truly enjoyed.

As much as I adore my children, I also enjoy my job. I am not at all cut out to be a stay at home parent. At all. Like you, I have degrees and do ilke my work time, adult interaction, etc. I had tried adult interaction during play groups and was not a fan. I found it too gossipy for my taste.

In addition, I live in southern New England, which is pricy. While we don’t live in an extravagent home by any means, we would ilkely be in a different neighborhood, condo, etc if we weren’t both working. I admit, I like that I can stop at Dunkin Donuts or go out to luch without feeling guilty. In addition, we love to travel and enjoy taking our kids to new places, which we wouldn’t be able to do as often if I stayed home.

Up until about 6 months ago, I had been working a schedule from 3-4 days a week rather than a full 40 hours. That was an ideal schedule and I truly enjoyed having 1-2 days home with my children during the week. However, having two in daycare and normal expenses increasing, I just couldn’t keep those hours without givnig up our lifestyle that we frankly enjoy.

I hope I am not coming across as selfish, but this is my two cents! I have also felt better in the sense that, when I was on maternity leave with my younger child, I would sometimes pick up my daughter at daycare early (she still went some since we were paying for her slot)… she asked me not to because she was missing out playing outside with her friends!

My kids are both healthy, happy, and well adjusted and I think daycare has had a huge positive impact on their development.

Good luck with your decision – it is truly a very personal choice to make, if you have the option.

When I was single (or married with no kids), I never thought I would be a SAHM. Then, my husband’s career took us to the US and I was not granted a work visa until recently (7 years later). As a result, I became a SAHM… and with some perspective, I can say that I never thought I would enjoy it as much! Don’t get me wrong, it’s really hard work and there are days when I’d love to have a job to get away (and have more income)… but mostly, it’s really rewarding and you feel that you are truly part of your child’s life: you control what they do, when they sleep, what they eat. You know what they are “talking” about because you were there with them. For at least the first 18-24 months of their lives, I think it’s really worth it.
How do you survive? You meet moms who are like you (and there are plenty, especially in cities), you get out of your house every day, you take your kids to the exhibit you really wanted to see (you might have to come back to see it in full!, you keep one activity “for you”, you take turn with your husband so that you get to get out with your friends, even take a trip without your child.
The most important is that YOU have to WANT to be a SAHM. You should not feel that it has been IMPOSED on you… and then you adapt (your budget, your priorities). As a friend of mine (mother of four) always tells me “Nothing is permanent”: you can always go back to work after a few months if you need/want to. So do what you feel is right for you and your family!

Great post. And so interesting to hear what everyone else thinks about the topic. I would be facing the same dilemma (I’m also due in a few months), except that the choice is really made for me. It would be beyond hard for us to get by without my income, so I’ll be returning to work. Not without reservations though. I’d much rather be the one to be there every day, raising my child. But at the same time, I’m pretty sure I’d really miss my job (I’m 37 — it’s been a part of my life for a long time!). And to be totally honest, I think it would be really hard to stay at home. But I fully anticipate that it’s going to be REALLY hard to leave my baby with someone else when it’s time to go back to work. I’d imagine it’s a tough decision for any mom to make, and such a personal one. I’m sure you’ll figure out what feels right and works best for you and your family.

(skimmed the comments.. good input here)
@Amy- SO WELL PUT! I agree. Another motivation for me, Tabitha is that these formative early years are so critical I did not want my child to see my tired, picking him up from daycare and then poof! before you know it putting him down. I wanted quality bonding. Not to say working moms cannot have that.. they DO, and I’ve seen it. I know very well adjusted happy kids with full time working mamas. Just for me though I was a mite selfish in wanting to be the one who formed him, taught him and watch him make his milestones:) and yes, lots of daycare workers (like amy attested to) are over whelmed, underpaid and cannot possibly devote the 100% attention like a SAHM can. See why it’s so hard to make these decisions? ha.

Also @ Carolina -i commend you for planning and wanting to be able to hire full help for your childcare.. etc. But one thing I might mention is you are never really ‘ready’ to have kids financially haha. I told my husband this and said ‘of we keep waiting for the ideal financial picture- this amt in a college savings before baby comes, this amt. saved up in this account, etc etc.. it will be too late for me to even have a child:)

First of all, I think you need to make the decision that is right for your family, and quite honestly, no one but you and the CPA truly know what is right for your family and your finances and your sanity.

One blog I’d encourage you to check out is Katie’s blog for her son “Bean,” at http://marriageconfessions.com/thebean/ . She has a lot of great stories about the parenting insights her daycare teachers have given her. They introduced her to different ways to introduce him to solids when he is ready, and even sat down and talked with her about how she was spoiling him by picking him up every single time he cried at 4 mos old, and she was actually hindering him by doing so. For her, and so many other people I’ve seen, the daycare teachers are like objective friends who help you out so much and are rooting for you every step of the way.

Personally, I truly believe it takes a village to raise a child, and to support the mother who is raising that child. And the earlier you let your child receive all the help and teaching and socialization that you could not possibly provide all of by yourself (as in swimming, sign language, teaching that is based in an objective understanding of child development, etc), the better off the child will be.

I also believe that it’s not about the quantity of time you spend with your child, it’s about the quantity. My soon-to-be SIL spent 8 years insisting on being a SAHM, because she “didn’t want anyone else raising her kids.” To be quite honest, she wasn’t an organized or planning person by nature, and she will even admit now, she didn’t do very well at it. In those 8 years, her family was hit with a medical freak accident, and they ended up losing their house as a result. If she had been working at that time, they would not have lost the house. She started work about a year ago, and is SO much happier. But the amazing thing is that now that she is happier, the rest of the family is SO much happier too. The kids are more well-behaved. And what’s most amazing is that now that she’s back at work, her self-esteem has shot through the roof, and this is rubbing off on her kids (who had learned her self-esteem issues when they were at home with her). For my SIL-to-be, she found that the work environment nourished her spirit, and helped her be the type of person she does want to model for her children.

My soon-to-be MIL has had these cross-stitched little signs in her kitchen for decades. One says “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy,” and the other says “If daddy ain’t happy, who cares!” There is so much truth to that though. You have to figure out what makes you as a momma happy- what nourishes your spirit in all the ways it needs to be nourished? Some people don’t need the social interaction of a workplace whatsoever, while other people can’t function whatsoever without having part of their day be a social outlet. Some people need deadlines, others do not. We all have these needs to different degrees.

And don’t forget that even after you make this decision, you can change your mind whenever you want. If you go back to work, but find your job is one that just doesn’t balance well with your new family life, then you can decide to be a SAHM when baby is 4 mos old. And if then at 8 mos, you find that you just can’t make ends meet (and especially if the financial issues put stress on your marriage) or if you just aren’t giving your baby everything you think he could be getting at 8 mos, then you could go back to work at a different job. This decision is not one that gets set in stone.

This is a hard decision. I would say to wait and not make a decision until you have had time to meet your little guy, find out his personality . . . does he want to go out or does it make him really fussy, does he only want you or okay with others, any sleep issues, etc.

I became a stay-at-home mom with my first. I thought it was what I should do. Eventually (I’ll spare you all of the details) I went into a deep depression. This was not good for either of us. And she would have loved having more interaction than just me. Looking back I should have done what worked for us rather than “this is what I am suppose to do.” Daycare would have worked for her.

Then my second one came, complete opposite personality. Content and very happy to be with me and to be at home. I know that day care would not be a good option for her.

I know they are little, but they still have such strong personalities. just my 2 cents.

Well, I think definitely you should take the maximum family leave after the baby is born. (Did you know in Sweden they get, I believe, three years of family leave?)

As for returning to work, that is a very personal opinion for each individual. It needs to be what is best for you and your family.

My sister found the best of both worlds when she got an admin job at the Montessori school her kids went to for three years–it started as a barter job–free schooling for the girls in exchange for her working (and at $18k a year per kid, nothing to sneeze at); they just started kindergarten and now my sister is on full pay and benefits. She says it’s the best job she’s ever had.

And just to throw in one final thought–the job market is TERRIBLE right now. Don’t be too quick to throw it away just now. If you want to go back to work, it might be harder than you expect to find something new.

You’ll figure it all out. I know you will.

Jules
.-= sparkly_jules´s last blog ..NaNoWrimo 2009: I Did Not Win (Finish) =-.

Haven’t read all the other comments yet, but here are my 2 cents. I’ve been a SAHM from the moment my daughter was born, and for us that was an easy decision. I was 23 when she was born and although I’d been working in my first post-college job for a little over a year, it wasn’t a career by a long shot. My husband also received a pay raise that nearly equaled what my loss in pay would do to our standard of living right after she was born, so there wasn’t that huge obstacle for us. PLUS my husband is in the military and we’ve never lived anywhere for longer than three years which makes having a steady office-type job nearly impossible. For us the switch was easy, financially.

It was a really tough emotional adjustment for me at first, though. I had a lot of trouble adjusting to not seeing other adults during the day (my daughter was born premature in the winter, so we didn’t venture out unless we had to). I missed seeing other grownups. I’ve since definitely adjusted to that and I’ve gotten used to the rhythm of being home, but it wasn’t just a sigh of relief. It was a big ordeal for me.

I have loved being with my children: watching all their firsts, being there when they needed me, not having to worry about who would take time off work when they got sick. I have loved knowing that I am directly responsible for who they are growing into as people, and being a mommy was all I really wanted to be when I grew up.

But that’s not to say that being a SAHM is the right choice for everyone. Finances aside, I’ve never known the satisfaction of having a successful career. Some of my best friends have taken longer (three to four month) maternity leaves before returning, and although they find that it’s more challenging to work their kids into their schedules, they love that they haven’t given up the careers they hold dear. And their kids are thriving.

I hope you’re able to find a solution that makes you and your family happy. It’s not an easy decision by any stretch. Good luck!
.-= Heather @critter chronicles´s last blog ..Public Service Announcement: The Danger of Slang =-.

Lots of great comments. I’m sure it gives you even more to think about. I’ve been a SAHM since my first was born 13 1/2 years ago and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I will say it was much easier to be an office manager (before children), but being there for my kids is an opportunity I’m glad I didn’t miss out on. For example, all the time spent in the car (taking kids to school, scouts, football, soccer, tae kwon do, symphony rehearsals, etc) gives me time to talk and more importantly listen to my kids. I learn so much about them and their lives in those moments. I know you’ll make the right choice for you and your family. Either choice will have a transition period. Good luck!
.-= Nicole´s last blog ..HAPPY THANKSGIVING =-.

Tabitha, you have started an interesting topic. But the thing I’d like some people to remember (which others have brought up) some of us don’t have the luxury of a choice.

Even with daycare prices (um, $35 a day? $15 or $9 an hour? can I move to where you guys are? Try $125 A DAY for an infant for the day care on campus at work. i seriously lucked out finding someone who was just breaking into the business and got her at $50 a day for a home daycare….very cheap for up here in Fairfield County CT)

I’d love to stay home and save that money. But I’m the one with the health insurance in our family with a toddler who has a disability. we simply need health insurance. It’s not a choice. My job doesn’t bring me much satisfaction, and i would really rather not be doing it. i dont WANT to be a career mom, but i NEED insurance. My husband has been laid off from full time work for over 8 months now, and before that he didn’t have insurance from his full time job anyway. My son needs speech therapy, and ear nose throat checks, and audiologist visits, and hearing aids, and i’m going to do what i have to do to take care of him.

no one likes to think of things like their baby coming out and something being wrong with them, but it happens. and babies with disabilities cost a HECK of a lot more than ones who aren’t seeing specialists every week. thats a perspective i would really like to voice for all the other moms of disabled kids out there!

I personally find it mildly offensive when people say things like “well, we just tightened our belt, and I was able to stay home for years, and why aren’t you trying that?” You know what, that’s great for you, but it doesn’t apply to everyone. We don’t own a house, we rent, because we don’t have the $$ to buy. we don’t go out to eat, EVER. we don’t go out ANYWHERE but to doc’s appointments. I haven’t been to dinner and a movie in years. We don’t have cable. I don’t have the internet at home. My husband and i never see each other because i work two jobs, and he works as an EMT overnight. i survive on minimal groceries, just enough to make sure the little one is healthy. i pay car insurance, life insurance, heat, electric, child care, doctors co-pays, taxes, vehicle upkeep (gas and maintenice and registration) and i have literally nothing left at the end of each month. NOTHING. ZERO. so no, I can’t just cinch my belt and make it work so I can stay home. And I can’t do it anyway, because we need my insurance to care for our son.

that being said, despite having no choice than to leave my son with other care providers, he knows that i’m his mom, and that I love him more than anyone. But also, having been in that provider role (i worked at a day care/preschool for 3 years), i ADORED my students. i exchange christmas cards with them all the time, we keep in touch, those kids were everything to me before i had my own. don’t be so quick to judge that those caring for your child don’t love them. Its not a parent’s love, sure, but it is love that will help your child grow into understanding that they can have trusting relationships with other people aside from family. isn’t that what you want for them? to teach them how to grow and expand themselves? it’s not so bad leaving your child with someone else sometimes.

i love our daycare teacher. she’s amazing, and she loves my son, and he loves her. we are VERY lucky. it took me a while to find the right person, and that is something to consider too. don’t just look at one place and decide you can’t do a daycare situation. explore every option you can. we looked at several, and hated them.

thats why this is a hard topic. because one shoe does not fit everyone. each and every family is different. the lucky ones are the ones with the ability to even throw the choice out there.

I haven’t read all of the other comments, so I’m just going to respond how I feel about this. I honestly dont think there is a right or wrong answer. I think some women are good at staying home and some aren’t. I have friends that stay home and I have friends that work and all of their children are loved the same. They’re all well-rounded kids. I, too, may have the opportunity to be a SAHM in the future. We’ve especially talked about it when our future (still to be conceived) child arrives. Deep down in my heart, I want to stay at home. Who wouldn’t want to stay home and love their child all day? But part of me is terrified. I’ve always had my own money because I make my own paycheck. What happens when that’s gone? The freedom of spending what I want suddenly disappears. What happens to my career? I’ve spent the last 10 years getting to where I am? What happens in 5-7 years when I return to the workforce? What if I get bored? After 8 weeks of maternity leave I was READY to come back to work. I couldn’t wait to get back to the social side of things. But, my son is older now. He’s more interactive and fun to be around. So, where I KNEW I couldn’t be a SAHM before, my feelings have changed. However, will I feel that way after 8 weeks of quitting my job? I wont know until I do it. And I know that I’ll just need to commit to it. If it’s something that I truly dont enjoy then my husband and I can look into other options, but as of now I want to give it a go. Just to see.

It’s not an easy decision, for sure. So, good luck in making that decision! Just remember that no decision is permanent. You can always adjust your life to what works for you and your family because it is just that: your family.

Wish you the best!

Hi there, I just had to come back and pipe up again You have so many great comments on here!

I was wondering what the CPA’s work commitments and flexibilities are, and whether those factor into your choice of childcare? Do either of you get a childcare stipend from your work, or have a daycare at or near your work? Does one of you start later while the other gets home earlier (or could this be arranged) so that you could have more hours of family time with your baby?
I know in our case my fiance is an artist and photography professor, so he only has to be on campus 10-15 hours per week, and the rest of the time he can plan for classes or work on his art at home. While we don’t plan to have children right away, he has already spoken up that he would LOVE to be a stay-at-home-dad, and (if I was making enough) a full-time artist. We have also chosen to buy a home about a mile away from his parents, anticipating the emotional support and financial savings in daycare this could provide us someday.

Oh, and have you factored in the childcare tax credit to your costs of child care? At up to $6000, this can be pretty significant.

Also, have you looked into a religious daycare, or a babysitter from your church?
Another thing to think about is that being a SAHM doesn’t always enhance or help your child’s perspective of your religion & beliefs. For example, I’ve worked with the 2-yr olds in my church for over a decade, and every week, there are always one or two of “that child.” The one who starts screaming the second they realize mom & dad are leaving, and latch onto one person and only stop crying if they are held, and they never really get to enjoy or experience church, because they are so busy being afraid of mom & dad being gone. Now most kids, even most kids with SAHM’s, get over this in a week or two, but there are always some kids who do the same crying routine every single week- until their parents have pity on the kid and stop making him miserable by making him be apart from them in church. And you can tell those kids have SAHM’s, because the moms have just as hard of a time with the kids leaving as the kids do. But I have to say after seeing hundreds of kids, the daycare kids deal with the whole process easier- they already KNOW that mom and dad will come back.

Also, I want to say one thing that I learned growing up in daycare, with both parents who worked. By doing this, my parents taught me a VERY strong work ethic, and it is so evident in the way my sister & I have approached our education and our careers (as I mentioned earlier, I am the breadwinner in our relationship, and it’s just worked out that way). Some people say that by being a SAHM you are there to teach your children things that others would be teaching them, but I think that in some ways, you are still teaching them no matter what, you are just teaching them a few different lessons and values.

It is a hard decision. I went back to work, but worked less, and we still get ALOT of time together. I think part of being a mom is dealing with the guilt we feel… no matter what decisions we make. There will always be a part of it that leaves us feeling a little guilty, and that’s something that we all have to learn to deal with. You’re gonna be a great mamma!!
.-= Tabitha Blue´s last blog ..A Little of This and That =-.

There are a lot of great comments on here that will give you a good idea of how things MIGHT go for you, but you will only know for sure after the baby is born and you give it a try. I know it can be a very different experience from one person to the next depending on all the variables that can arise from the different women, their babies, and their home situations. (This definitely includes how great a husband you have and whether he is interested in being a hands-on father.)

Personally I have done both and I prefer staying at home. We always marveled at how it didn’t seem to matter all that much whether we had one income or two; we just tended to adjust our spending to the situation. We ate out more when I worked because I there were just so many times when I was too harried to cook, for example. There is one thing I want to bring up that was a great surprise to me. I was an RN and very organized at work, but at home I struggled with housekeeping and meal making when I was a SAHM! It wasn’t to the point of crisis but I just always felt a bit overwhelmed and like things could easily get out of control. Later on, after the children were nearly grown, I found a great website that really changed my life in that respect. flylady.net. I sure wish she had been around when the kids were little. In case you have that same problem, you might want to check out her website. It’s all about how to manage your home and even menu-planning. I was amazed at the difference it made for all of the family. It’s been several years ago and I still follow the principals she set out.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck in figuring out what’s best for you and your baby. Since there’s no right or wrong, see how you feel staying at home after your baby is born, and if you can’t wait to get back to work, then you’ll know. As to ‘wasting’ your education, it certainly won’t hurt your child to have a smart mom spending all her time with him/her! We took our children to the library, museums and parks all the time and I’m sure that’s part of the reason they are both so brilliant. (My youngest has a full-time job as a property tax analyst, will have his MBA completed in April and is training for a marathon.) Whichever way things work out for you, be sure you are as present in the moment as possible and really enjoy your family.

I think that this is THE question in most women’s lives. My husband and I live in the DC area as well, and we are hoping to start tying to have kids soon. With this said, the question of staying home is a difficult one. The money factor here makes it nearly impossible to support a household on one income. But then again, day care is so expensive too. I would love to find a job where I could work from home (such as freelance writing), and thus still have an income and not have to pay for daycare. But, you can’t always have your cake and eat it too. I guess that in the end, we all just do what we think is best within the means we have. Thanks for posing this interesting question/ conversation here.
.-= tiffany@thegardenapartment´s last blog ..No tart necessary: Caramelized pears and mascarpone whipped cream =-.

Lots of good imput from ladies who have been there, I’ve enjoyed reading the comments here. I’m 30 – had my 1st daughter @ 28, and now with a 4 week old, we’re finally bending to accept the fact that daycare x2 is just not worth it.

I’m a very social person, so found a great compromise – as a college instructor, I’ve opted to teach just one night class per semester. Allowing for some extra breathing room in our tightening budget, and only requiring 1 or 2 hours a week of childcare when I need to hold office hours before the hubs gets home from work.

When our first child was born, my mother-in-law came to stay for several weeks to watch the baby while I worked during the day. Clearly, that can never last long … I finally broke down and started searching for a stay-at-home mom to be my ‘daycare’. I found a woman with one child that seemed to be a dream come true, until she backed out DAYS before I needed her! Luckily a nearby childcare center had several openings to do recent lay-offs at a large local company. The center was nice, but my daughter was sick constantly! The snotty nose was almost non-stop, but then the stomach bugs came, and it only took a few nights of being up all night propping my 6-month-old over a barf bucket that caused me to resume my search for a home daycare.

We got lucky – a great neighbor was a stay-at-home, and was willing to keep her. What a relief!

Best of luck with your decision, and by the way, congrats and enjoy that baby!
.-= Emily´s last blog ..Pregnancy Does WHAT to your Gallbladder?!? =-.

I want to second what Mamadallama brought up… I LOVE FlyLady.net!
Whether you eventually decide to be a SAHM SHE (sidetracked home executive) or a Payroll SHE, FlyLady will help you no matter what! I have learned SO many things from her, and often suggest many of her tools to friends & family with young children.

Hi my name is Sabrina. I was surfing and found your blog, which I liked very much, which is quite pleasant to read. I return next week to read you again. Greetings Sabrina

Hey Tabitha, Well, I am for a stay at home moma. My daughter Clarissa has one little boy. She got her degree and worked up until she had the baby. She went back and forth with the idea too. But sometimes we have to go to work because there is just not enough money for even the essentials. And some woman who are single moms have to work. They don’t have the luxury of staying home as many already know. I had to work at times. My daughter is very well educated and talented, but she chose to stay at home. I tell ya, no one can take the place of moma, Grandma is close, tee hee! That little boy is so smart and well-mannered and has the best disposition. I know part of it is because his moma has stayed home with him and taught him. I know that I am from old school. But I truly believe that nothing can take the place of mother in the home. That doesn’t mean that she never has time to herself. She has many interests and keeps herself very busy and sometimes on those hard days where your patience is tried and you feel like there has to be more to life than what you are doing as a mom. Remember always that what you do as a mom is priceless and they are only young once and for a very short time. We never get that time back.

I moved from the U.S. to New Zealand where we have paid maternity for up to 6 months and can take a full year off when we have our babies (employers hold the job for us). It gives women a better opportunity to sort things out. Just hearing that women get only 12 weeks in the States makes my head spin. It just isn’t enough time to determine what you want to do with the work/at home situation. I wish that in the States more emphasis would be placed on the mother/child relationship that first year rather than having to worry about leaving a tiny 3 month old at daycare. I wish the U.S. would follow suit with the rest of the world and take care of mothers better … so that they aren’t forced into returning within 12 weeks of giving birth because they’re worried about losing their jobs and consequently their health care that is tied to it.

Wow! I hardly ever blog surf and comment, but I do think there is a lot here. I am a working mom of a now 4-year old. I struggled when she was born, mostly with guilt over choosing to stay working. Like many here, we could have gotten by on our one salary, but it would have been significantly different / uncomfortable, as well as risky (especially with the recent economy, we have always been thankful to have two careers to help balance unemployment risks).

In the beginning I had huge guilt issues over taking my daughter and dropping her off. I think those issues were somewhat mine and somewhat societally imposed. It actually aggravates me to read someone here say that if you have your head screwed on, or any sense, etc. that of course you will be a SAHM. Really, I don’t think this issue is black and white. Only different shades of gray.

In the end, I have been so glad of my decision. My daughter loves her school and teachers, although not ONCE did I ever think that she bonded with those teachers over me or my husband. Our bond and love was always clear, and I do think that goes to the comment regarding QUALITY and not just QUANTITY of time.

I do try and take advantage of vacation days, days when I could leave early, etc. and get to spend additionally hours with her, but she grows and learns and thrives at her school. It really is school not just daycare. She goes to a church center, so she also learns about God and Jesus there, and I have no problems with many people teaching her — she is just growing more and more because of it.

I will say that the best decision is the one that you can live with. Period. You will find a way to make whatever choice you make work for you and your family, and I doubt have any regrets.

Do keep in mind that many people who have this perspective (of having chosen to return to work) may be underrepresented in your comment log. I blog “surf” mostly when I am off work, and less during a work week! No offense intended to anyone in this – just that I think people’s decisions really are a personal choice and work for them because of those very real personal commitments to making the choice the best one possible!

Good luck!

I agree with Ambulance Mommy. As a result of a preemie and the need for a jet ventilator, I got cerebral palsy. Even with a good job, my mom’s work benefits maxed out VERY quickly with the 3 month NICU stay.

My family desperately needed the insurance. My mom never had a choice. She had to do whatever was necessary to take care of my brother and me. She was very fortunate to find a babysitter who was eager to help after interviewing COUNTLESS people. We are still friends with her family after 20 years.

My mom is a single parent now, so money is tight, but we manage. We hardly ever go out to eat, but we don’t need anything. God always provides. My mom has an excellent job and boss who understands our situation. She is so flexible with my doctor’s appointments and unexpected illnesses. She doesn’t have to work as hard as she did when we were born.

You just have to do what’s best for you. Don’t let someone downgrade you for your decisions because no one knows what else you’re dealing with that might influence your decision.
.-= Making my Mark´s last blog ..Stories =-.

I am usually a closet reader but couldn’t resist the opportunity to weigh in on this loaded question and one that people feel very strongly about either way. I am a working mom of 3..by choice, which is hard for some to understand. But I tried being a SAHM for awhile and realized I’m just not cut out for it. I found that working at a job I love and having adult interaction all day has made me a better mom and more able to enjoy my kids when I’m with them. This may sound strange to some but it’s true. It also made me a more organized mom. Yes, it’s a bit overwhelming at times to work a full time job, come home, love on the kids, help with homework, do laundry, and prepare a home cooked meal but I manage to do it (mostly…). And you know what it? It gives me quite the sense of accomplishment to be able to manage all that and still maintain my sanity (again..mostly). It does help that I have a lot of flexibility with my job so I can still be at class parties, doctor’s appointments, field trips, etc. I also have a great husband who does morning kid duty all on his own so I can go to work early in order to be home when they get home from school. In the end it’s a very personal decision and one you really can’t make until after your little guy is here for awhile and you have a hands on perspective of parenthood. Another huge factor is finding a daycare provider you trust completely. I never regretted my decision to go back to work, largely in part to the excellent daycare my kids went to. We were fortunate that a close Christian friend of ours had an inhome, state certified daycare. She loved them like they were her own and still does even though they are in school now.
Best of luck with your decision and whatever you choose don’t let the opposing moms from the “other camp” get to you. They mean well.