I’ve always believed that when you marry someone, you need to be sure that you have enough similarities that you have a good chance of making it. These similarities are different for every person though. For some, it is having a common religion or code of values, for others it is sharing similar personality traits. The point is, there has to be some common ground somewhere.
The CPA and I ended up together because of our similarities and they are what help make our marriage work. But having a lot in common doesn’t necessarily guarantee that we’ll be good parents. In fact, just because someone has the same background or political beliefs doesn’t mean that they’ll have the same views on when to put the children to bed or how much TV they should be allowed to watch.
We’ve been discussing this in recent weeks because we both realize how important it is, at least for us, to be unified in our parenting style. So far, we agree on the majority of areas, which is good. For example, we both feel that a certain amount of TV is fine (when the baby is older of course) but that it should be allowed only when homework is done and only for a limited amount of time. We both want to raise our child/children with the same religious foundation that we have which means regular church attendance as well as family prayers and activities. Another example: we want to have regular family dinners be a part of our daily routine, which may not sound like a big deal, but given our work schedules and past habits, it may be a challenge.
Through recent discussions we realize that for the most part, we agree on these things, which is important as they are the little things that will make up the day-to-day experiences for our child. But there are some areas where we don’t agree and that is where we will have a challenge. For example, I tend to want to take it easy when playing around whereas the CPA loves to wrestle and roughhouse (this probably comes from him having three brothers and raising four sons, I’m sure). Another example: the CPA is in favor of setting aside a trust fund to pay for college education and other related expenses, whereas my experience has taught me that there were benefits to having to pay for my education on my own. Also, I tend to be a little over protective and want to safeguard against certain activities where possible (we’re still discussing the whole football playing issue) whereas the CPA has been there and done that and is a little more relaxed in his parenting approach.
While disagreeing on these issues probably won’t affect our children too much, allowing them to see that we disagree may cause some problems. Will it ruin a child if one parent lets him/her watch more TV than the other parent? In the short run, no. Will it cause discord and frustration between the parents? Possibly yes, at least at some point. Which is why we’re trying now to come up with compromises for the areas in which we disagree. Because no matter what decisions we make in how to raise our kids, we won’t be effective unless we present a unified front. At least we agree on that.
Now if I could just make him see the problem with little boys playing football….
What do you think, is it necessary to agree on everything as a parent? What areas do you and your spouse disagree on with regards to raising your children?
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Part of the reason for this is because you can not come up with every possible scenario ahead of time. Like, who knew we’d have to deal with a four year old who would touch ornaments with her foot after hearing, “Hands off?”
I call it tag-team parenting! It’s important all the way through, because it is also true in the reverse: the parent who can keep it together during a negative situation is the one who steps in while the other parent takes a break and cools off.
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