Disciplining Children

We do time-outs with our kids. We started using this method with both around age 2, when they were old enough to understand the concept of misbehavior = punishment. Our daughter never really physically acted out, but my son does so his hands and feet sometimes find themselves in time-out for hitting or kicking. Our time-outs are always begun with getting down at the kid’s level, looking them in the eye, and telling them exactly why they’re there and why it isn’t appropriate. Then when their time is up (we do one minute per year of age) they have to tell us why they were in time-out, apologize, give us a hug and kiss, and then apologize to another person (if it involved someone else) and/or clean up their mess.

When my daughter turned 5 we started using consequences, and that works much more effectively than time-outs for her at this age. We have pre-established consequences that she has helped us to determine, and when she violates a rule she knows ahead of time what would happen. It’s curbed a lot of unwanted behavior.

Mostly, though, my husband and I subscribe to the philosophy that children need constant discipline and to be shown proper behavior in order to know what “right” looks like. We spend a lot of time teaching and showing them how TO behave, rather than simply correcting unwanted behavior. And we started early, from as soon as they were mobile and showed signs of understanding us when we talked.
.-= Heather @Critter Chronicles´s last blog ..Friday Reading Fix: Just Me and My Mom =-.

Okay, I don’t have kids yet, but here’s what I’ve learned when I worked in Child & Adolescent Psych for a few years.
-yes, there are people who will call child protective services if they find out you spanked your child. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, or that I would make the call, but these days, there are many people who would make that call. All teachers and healthcare workers are mandated reporters, and a mandated reporter is required to report any SUSPICION of abuse- they do not talk with the parents about whether it is factual, gather evidence, or do an investigation- CPS does all of this. But if a 5-yr old doesn’t properly spell out why they were spanked/what happened, this can be enough to raise Suspicion, at which time the teacher or health care worker is required to report it- they do not have a choice in making the report, & would be breaking the law if they didn’t make a report. Also, most experts differentiate between punishment and discipline, where punishment has a feel of the parent retaliating against the individual, while discipline is focused on teaching a lesson and giving consequences that the child can understand. Many experts consider spanking to be punishment and not discipline.
2)for minor bouts of bad behavior, a warning followed by a pre-determined consequence works well. The pre-determined part of the consequences is key, because it (along with consistency) allows children to know what to expect before they continue their negative behaviors. For larger episodes of bad behavior, the consequences should fit the crime. The more the consequences are developed together with the child, the more the parent & child are communicating about why the child displayed that behavior & what they can do differently next time- and this conversation is really one of the key things when kids have calmed down & you can reason with them.
3)One of the things my fiance’s mom always says is “Catch them being good.” Even at a few months old, babies start manipulating their behavior to get your attention. They may cry every time you set them down, or every time you go to put them to bed. Many of the negative behaviors children display in their first few years are really about this power struggle for your attention. If you get mad at their negative behavior, then they get exactly what they wanted- your attention. The goal is that you use your attention as positive reinforcement for good behaviors, and you ensure their safety & that they are not destroying anything and then minimize your attention (ie extra conversation & displays of emotion) when they show bad behaviors.

But the most important thing is not what approach you take to discipline, but that you use the approach consistently, and that the approach you choose is focused on teaching your child, not on communicating your emotions & frustration about their behavior.

We use a lot of different methods, depending on the infraction. My favorite is a punishment that fits the crime–for example if you spit, you have to clean the entire floor. We use time outs quite a bit. We modified it for our 4 year old because it wasn’t doing any good, so she has to stand at the wall not sit somewhere–she hates it.

We do believe that spanking has it’s place. I was spanked often, my husband was only spanked twice growing up. We try to be sure that we don’t do it on first impulse and that it truly fits the crime–something that will cause harm to themselves or others (running into the street after being called back, jumping on her sister, and the like). In those instances, we feel that it is important that children learn quickly and a bit of fear is a good thing. I’d much rather my kids be afraid of running off than hit by a car. I will say that I have two very strong willed little girls, and we did not intend to spank when they first came along, but we went through a book, “The Strong Willed Child” and a class on parenting at church and we have found it to be effective.

It is very much wrapped up in your child’s personality to know what will be a good deterrent for him. Perhaps a loss of privileges will be best or he may be such an angelic little fellow a stern look maybe all he ever needs.
.-= Kristy´s last blog ..Outloud at Target =-.

I will echo the “every kid is different” refrain. Spanking worked great on a couple of my kids. I had one that you just had to look at and they would burst into tears. I haven’t found time outs effective as a discipline tool after the fact, but they are great for heading off bad behavior when you see your child getting wound up.
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We did both, timeout and spanking(sparingly). My kids were very different personality wise so we just adjusted to what worked best for each accordingly. With my son, a raised voice and he knew he was in trouble because we never got loud over little things.

My neice was yelled at alot and totally ignored it. They are 6 months apart and when my brother or his wife would yell at her, my son would boo hoo because he thought he was in big trouble and she’d just keep doing what she was doing and look at them like they were crazy.(and him too!) LOL

As they have gotten older, taking things away like video games, cell phones and laptops works very well.

I try and think about the issue at hand and then fit the consequence to it. Here is an example. I couldn’t get A to eat his dinner. So I set the timer for 5 minutes and told him if he didn’t finish the food on his plate in that time I would ADD food to his plate and reset the timer for another 5. If he then didn’t finish it I’d add again and reset the timer.

It only took one time of adding food before he finished his dinner in under a minute. (I did this when he wouldn’t eat more then 3 bites. Not good for sleeping through the night or a happy child).

I’ve also heard and tried the “horse” technique. If a foal is mis- behaving the Mom will chase him away from the herd. She won’t let him back until he behaves and has been away for long enough that he understands he needs to change that behavior. That’s worked for us too. Kids don’t like to be away from the action. At least mine don’t.

Can’t wait to see you in action!

I agree that it depends on the child but I think the large majority need the physical punishment, at least when they are young. Most younger children do not understand time out, & in reality, it is usually more punishment for the parent than the child to make sure their child stays in time out. My parents never grounded us because they had seen their other friends us it & it rarely had any affect on the kid’s actions. In fact, it usually gave the kid time, in his/her anger, to continue to simmer & plan out how they would rebel next time or how not to get caught next time. With the physical punishment, the pain is there for a moment, the child remembers it but it soon fades & the kid is off again. I do know there is a time where corporal punishment may no longer be effective. By that time, most kids understand the pain of disappointment. Then, just the comment from a parent that he/she is disappointed in their child is worse than the physical punishment. However, depending on the situation, it may in many cases be appropriate to use both physical punishment & grounding/time out together. Just my thoughts.
.-= Kristy´s last blog ..Great Article: "Cultural Marxism in Education: The Gathering Revolt" =-.

I totally agree with Kristy. Also, intuitively, it does seem like spanking WOULD teach kids that it’s okay to hit, but in reality it just doesn’t work that way. It just doesn’t.

I teach Kindergarten and am feeling more and more that time-outs just aren’t effective. What’s more effective is to “catch them being good” like someone else said and to praise them for it! They love to feel like their teacher (and Mom, I’m sure) is proud of them.

Time outs, however they are a bit different. We don’t have the child completely separate from the rest of the household. They can sit in one spot in the living room or anywhere. And they don’t have to be miserable in the time out. Meaning, we don’t require that they just sit, they can read, hold a toy, etc. Often my daughter would do a time out in our craft closet, with the door wide open and start working on a project in there during her time out. Sometimes she’d write us notes to get her feelings out. We try to represent the time out as a cooling off period. Kids get overwhelmed and angry and so do adults and time outs are good for a cooling down period, so you can come back to the situation, make amends with the person you hurt or offended, etc. It’s seems to have worked really well. Also, I think the most important part of the time out is when it’s over. After they’ve made amends we give sincere hugs and the problem is completely over. We don’t remind them of it, or give them stern looks. It’s done. This is so they know we love them no matter what, unconditionally. My 6 1/2 year old has become what her 1st grade teacher calls, a role model for the other kids. She rarely ever gets time outs now. In fact, I don’t remember her having time out in the last year. My three year old gets time outs very seldom. Sometimes, just talking about the problem works and making sure each kid makes amends with the person they fought with. And solving the problem together. Conflicts will always be a part of life but I feel that encouraging problem solving and working to find a solution is a positive way for them to feel better and take responsibility for what they’ve done.

My kids are 11, 9 and 2 and 2 1/2. As some of the mommies here said, the disciplining evolved with age. For the younger it’s a mix of gentle teaching; I find it so much more productive to explain the wrong and show how it shold have been done right. Of course there is A LOT of work involved, and of course she sometimes ends in time-out. But 90% of the time she responds beautifully to kindness.

For the boys it’s mainly reward and withdraw of privileges. But, of course, I always talk a lot with them about every little part of their manners, behaviour, gentleness..

yeah, I adore them.