He begins to interact like he hasn’t done before.  A certain look or gesture will send him into a giggling fit.  By the same token, a sudden loud noise or pang of hunger will begin the crying and if you don’t cut it off, you have a full fledged breakdown on your hands.

All of these things, these interactions, demonstrate (at least in my mind) that little people come here with an innate personality.  Sure, it develops as they grow and it’s shaped by their experiences, but how they initially react to something is pre-programmed.

But there is something to be said for the effect of experiences too.  For example, you may have a baby who is out-going and fearless, but after one bad experience with a scary dog, he becomes timid and shy around pets.   Experiences such as these, no matter how old a person is, can most definitely affect the way someone behaves, no matter what their personality is.

I bring this up because I’ve been thinking about the idea of nature vs. nurture  and how it will play into our relationship with our child.  I believe that a person is born with their personality and it is up to us as parents to help shape that personality.  Will we be able to change a stubborn child?  Probably not.  Will we be able to make a shy child want to be the center of attention?  Not likely.  But perhaps we can help him learn to use that stubbornness or that shyness in a good way.

After all, a person comes here with a certain personality, one that includes both strengths and weaknesses; it is up to those who nurture that person to help make the most of it.

What do you think about the nature vs. nurture theory?  Do you feel people come here with certain traits or do you feel that they are created by their environment?

That usually did the trick.  I think that was most of the punishment in itself, the waiting, the wondering, the fear.  We knew what was in store, the humiliating walk to the bedroom, the look on our dad’s face as he brought out the Belt (with a capital B), and finally the bending over the bed to take our punishment.  We usually made a vain attempt to cover our vulnerable backside with our hands, but with little effect.  Then finally, mercifully, the swat would come.  It was never that painful nor was it long or drawn out.  A simple tap with the Belt and our punishment had been given.  Our parents would send us on our way until the next time we pushed the limits.

By the time my sister (who is 11 years younger than me) came along, she had never even heard of the Belt.  When I told her about it, she thought it was funny because her experience was so vastly different.  She grew up in the era of “time outs.”  Whenever she misbehaved, she was sent to the designated spot for an amount of time that was determined by the particular offense.  Not once did she have to bend over the bed or make the dreaded walk of shame.

These two approaches are quite different from each other.  Not only that, it’s been a long time since either me or my sister have been punished by our parents so I’m a little out of touch.  Do people still use time outs or are they considered passe?  Is Child Services called when a neighbor witnesses a child being spanked?  Are children disciplined at all or do parents merely try to reason with them?

I know (at least I hope) that the need to discipline our son is in the not too distant future.  But as much as I’d like to think he will never be disobedient or act out, I know that there will most likely come a time when I will need to act accordingly.  I will need to teach him what is appropriate behavior and that he should follow established rules and guidelines that have been put into place for his own good.

The problem is, I have no idea how.

So I’m curious:  How do you discipline your children?  Did you decide based on research, previous experience, or simply what works best for you?  I’d love to hear your thoughts…

Henry’s first sponge bath,

soon to be followed by his first tub bath.

His first stroller ride around the neighborhood,

and his first real smile (one not attributed to gas).

He even had his first professional photo shoot (thanks Melissa!).

Each of these things has tugged at my heart and made me love him even more.  Unfortunately, along with all these amazing “firsts” came one that was not so great: his first boo-boo.

It started out innocently enough.  The little guy, after having not poo’d all day long, had a dirty diaper that required a full body strip down.  I had him sitting on his changing table and as I was pulling the shirt over his head, he either pulled away from me or else he slipped.  All I know is that one minute I had his head in my hand and the next minute he had fallen back onto the rail lining the wall.  It was only a few inches since he was sitting down, but it was enough.

My heart stopped.

And then he began crying.  Then I began crying.   I don’t know who was crying harder, him or me.  He only cried for a few seconds and then he seemed fine.  But as soon as I saw the goose egg that had popped up on his noggin, I was done for.

I called my husband and managed to tell my story in between sobs.  He assured me that everything was probably fine because kids are tough, but I called the pediatrician anyway. The doctor said to keep him awake for the next couple of hours and to keep an eye on him but that he was probably just fine.

All of that happened almost three hours ago and I’ve spent those hours constantly watching him for any signs of trouble, but so far he’s acting normally.  As I write this, he’s sitting in his swing and cooing.  I take that as a good sign that I didn’t irreparably damage him.

So apparently, everything is fine and no permanent harm done.  But I have to say that of all the firsts we’ve experienced so far, this is one that I have done without.

When’s the first time your little one got hurt and how did you handle it?

The CPA and I ended up together because of our similarities and they are what help make our marriage work.   But having a lot in common doesn’t necessarily guarantee that we’ll be good parents.  In fact, just because someone has the same background or political beliefs doesn’t mean that they’ll have the same views on when to put the children to bed or how much TV they should be allowed to watch.

We’ve been discussing this in recent weeks because we both realize how important it is, at least for us, to be unified in our parenting style.   So far, we agree on the majority of areas, which is good.  For example, we both feel that a certain amount of TV is fine (when the baby is older of course) but that it should be allowed only when homework is done and only for a limited amount of time.  We both want to raise our child/children with the same religious foundation that we have which means regular church attendance as well as family prayers and activities.  Another example: we want to have regular family dinners be a part of our daily routine, which may not sound like a big deal, but given our work schedules and past habits, it may be a challenge.  

Through recent discussions we realize that for the most part, we agree on these things, which is important as they are the little things that will make up the day-to-day experiences for our child.  But there are some areas where we don’t agree and that is where we will have a challenge.  For example, I tend to want to take it easy when playing around whereas the CPA loves to wrestle and roughhouse (this probably comes from him having three brothers and raising four sons, I’m sure).  Another example: the CPA is in favor of setting aside a trust fund to pay for college education and other related expenses, whereas my experience has taught me that there were benefits to having to pay for my education on my own.  Also, I tend to be a little over protective and want to safeguard against certain activities where possible (we’re still discussing the whole football playing issue) whereas the CPA has been there and done that and is a little more relaxed in his parenting approach.  

While disagreeing on these issues probably won’t affect our children too much, allowing them to see that we disagree may cause some problems.  Will it ruin a child if one parent lets him/her watch more TV than the other parent?  In the short run, no.  Will it cause discord and frustration between the parents?  Possibly yes, at least at some point.  Which is why we’re trying now to come up with compromises for the areas in which we disagree.  Because no matter what decisions we make in how to raise our kids, we won’t be effective unless we present a unified front.  At least we agree on that.

Now if I could just make him see the problem with little boys playing football….

What do you think, is it necessary to agree on everything as a parent?  What areas do you and your spouse disagree on with regards to raising your children?

The CPA and I went through a lot to determine a game plan for this Labor Day weekend. We had finally decided that we would spend a few days driving through the country, but all of that planning was thwarted early Saturday morning.

It started around 2:00 a.m. when I was awakened by the sound of our dog, Oscar, throwing up.  He sleeps on a pillow near our bed so the fact that he was sick was kind-of hard to miss.  He throws up fairly often as he can’t seem to stop eating things – grass and tissue paper are some of his favorites – so we normally don’t think much of it.  But he had been acting a little sluggish for a few days so it had me worried.

I got up and cleaned up the mess then went to sit with him on the sofa in the living room.  I could tell he wasn’t feeling well as he laid down beside me and put his head on my lap.  We were in there about 15 minutes before my husband came to find us.  I told him to go back to bed and that I was going to sit with Oscar for a while.  But by that point, he was wide awake and so was I.  We headed downstairs and he did some work and I watched TV until, around 3:30, Oscar threw up again.

It was then that we knew our long weekend trip wouldn’t be happening.  We had planned to leave around 9:00 that morning and we were going to take the pup with us.  We had even reserved a hotel that allowed dogs.  But there was no way we could travel with him being sick, not to mention the fact that we were really worried about him.  The CPA decided that he would go for his drive on Sunday instead, just for the day, and I would stay home and keep an eye on Oscar.

I’m glad I did,  because he threw up another two times within the next several hours and by Saturday afternoon, I was at the vet’s.  After two hours (and $551.00) we still didn’t know what was wrong.  Oscar was given an anti-vomiting shot and we had to put him on a bland diet which meant no treats or any of his usual food.  The doctor thinks he’ll probably be fine, but he just doesn’t seem like himself and I can’t shake the worry from my mind.*

The hardest part about this whole experience was not the change in our weekend plans, but the feelings that it has stirred up within me.  I saw Oscar looking at me with his big brown eyes and his face was so sad that it broke my heart.  Yes, I know that he is a dog and yes, I know he will probably be fine.  But still, the staying up with him and the cleaning up after his bouts of sickness made me think about the months/years ahead.  How many nights will I spend holding my little one and rocking him/her to sleep after a fitful night?  How often will I look into his/her eyes and feel my heart break?  How will I be able to stand it?

My husband tells me that the joys and the happiness of parenting far outweigh the worry, but it’s hard to see that having not yet experienced it.  I mean, if I feel this bad at the thought of my dog being hurt, how on earth will I be able to handle similar feelings for our own child?  

Please tell me that it gets better and that it’s worth all the worry!  

* UPDATE: As of this morning (Thursday) Oscar seems to be feeling better and acting like his usual crazy self!

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Their mother, unfortunately, passed away a couple of years ago. I would imagine as a child it would be very difficult to have such an important day without both of your parents there and my heart really went out to Junior. But he handled it with dignity and grace and I only saw him tear up once – when his bride walked down the aisle towards him.

It was a beautiful event – the weather cooperated and there was lots of sunshine and cool breezes. The service was held outdoors by the water and it was evening so the sunset made a spectacular background. All-in-all, everything went perfectly.

I write about this experience because it was a special one for me – it was the first time that I really realized my new role as a “step-mother.” I don’t often think of myself that way, quite honestly. I really just hope to be a friend to the CPA’s kids, and perhaps someone they can ask for help and advice when needed. And to give them credit – they have been great. Surely it can’t be easy to have this new person in their lives, especially one who is younger than their father (thankfully, I am several years older than the oldest boy which helps my credibility a bit I think).

Because the children are grown (as you can see by this picture, where I am being escorted by the youngest of the four), there is not a lot of true parenting on my part, and I don’t know that I would feel comfortable with that anyway, as I feel it is not my place. So to find myself suddenly in the role of parent, even a step-parent, was eye-opening.  I found that instead of concentrating on my fears and worries of feeling out-of-place, I found myself just hoping and praying that everything would go smoothly for the bride and groom. I really just wanted to help get things ready or if need be, stay out of the way.

I guess you can call it a maternal instinct, I’m not sure.  And I’m willing to bet that my experience was probably quite different than that of the bride’s parents.  But, I definitely felt a closeness to them and to the family as a whole. I assume that is part of the parenting role, and I have to say that it was really nice.

I sometimes ask myself, is it better to know what you’re getting into or to go into it blind? In other words, is it better to have a full understanding of the lack of sleep, the dirty diapers and the constant worry involved with raising children? Or is it better to think of only the cute booties, sweet-smelling skin and the bedtime snuggles?

These questions have been on my mind as the CPA and I have had our numerous discussions about having kids. Each of us has had very different experiences in this regard. He has raised four children, I have managed not to kill my cat for nine years. Needless to say, our understanding of the work involved varies greatly, as do our discussions. They often go something like this:

Me: “I can’t wait to hold the baby and watch him/her fall asleep. They always look so peaceful and sweet.”

The CPA: “You do realize that that only lasts for about two hours before they wake up and you have to go through it all over again? About four times a night, to be exact.”

Me: “Thanks, I hadn’t thought of that.”

The CPA: “No problem, glad to help.”

Actually, our conversations aren’t that bad, but you get the idea. Usually I’m in la-la land thinking how terrific everything is going to be and the CPA is remembering how things really were. Sometimes it’s hard because I am afraid that if I really know what I am getting into, I won’t do it. Then I think about the flip side and realize that it may be good that he has all of that experience. I tend to over-worry about things and it’s nice to know that everytime the baby cries and I start thinking something is horribly wrong, my husband will be there. And he’ll take one look at our wailing little one and say, “It’s okay. I’ve seen this before and there’s nothing to worry about.”

Maybe being experienced isn’t such a bad thing afterall.

Before long, people were sending me baby items to review. That did nothing to sway my decision at all! Nope, not a thing! I was completely immune to the snuggly little swaddling blankets and cute little play toys.

I wish!

The truth is, I was hooked. I had run out of excuses. I began to feel like this wasn’t such a far-fetched idea afterall. If others who were more scatterbrained (I mean that in a good way of course) and inexperienced than me could do it, why shouldn’t I give it a try? So I took the next step. I called my mother.

She didn’t sound too shocked nor did she bounce off the walls with excitement either. I think she must have known all along. Mom’s are funny that way. She’s always said she knows me better than I know myself (to which I always rolled my eyes and said, “yeah, right Mom!”). But maybe there’s some truth to that afterall. Or maybe she just knows what it’s like to be newly married and have big decisions to make. Or maybe, just maybe, she knows that deep down I want nothing more than to hold this tiny person in my arms, the one that my husband and I helped create, and know that he/she is ours.

With that established, I was able to enjoy being married. I mean wasn’t that the whole point? Who wants to freak out their husband as soon as he says “I do?” So we concentrated on getting our little house put together. I washed all the new dishes and pots and pans and I displayed the good china in our cabinet. We painted the walls and bought new furniture. And we both concentrated on work and school since those things had been sorely neglected during all of the planning and the big events. In other words, we started living our lives. The burning question that once consumed me, got pushed to the back of my mind.

Fast forward a little bit. It was now about six months into our marriage. I took a trip with the girls to North Carolina, the home of my birthplace. While we were there, we went to our favorite store, the one we visit on each and every trip: The Fleet Plummer. The Fleet Plummer is one of those unique stores that carries a little bit of everything from outdoor grills to jewelry. Most of their stuff is really nice too and it’s fun digging around to see what unique finds you’ll make.

My unique find was discovered in the baby section. Before I could stop myself, I had made it to the back of the store where I was eyeing a table full of soft onesies and plush stuffed animals. And then I saw it, the item that took my breath away: it was a handpainted, ceramic piggy bank. I can’t say why it appealed to me so, but it was the cutest little thing. There were several styles with various patterns and designs and I spent a good 10 minutes trying to talk myself out of buying one. But the piggy bank itself wasn’t the thing that surprised me. It was my reaction to it.

You see, I have no use for a pastel colored piggy bank the size of a soccor ball. I certainly have no place to put it in our tiny, space deficient little house. And even more important, I wouldn’t be able to explain to my sweet husband why I came home from our trip with a ceramic pig in tow. It was the first of many such experiences where I was drawn to a baby item, be it a hand puppet or a teething ring, with no reasonable explaination. Dare I say it? Could this mean that I may actually want a baby to go along with these items?

Hmmm… the future will only tell.

I figured if anyone could give me words of wisdom that would be the catalyst for my epiphany, she would be the one. But alas, it was not to be. She responded to my question “How will I know if I want to have children? I’m not sure I even like them” with a calm, “Don’t worry, you’ll just know.”

Hmm… Maybe she had forgotten that she was talking to someone who spent weeks worrying about whether joining the gym for a year (vs. month-to-month) was a good idea. Or perhaps I should remind her about the time when I made the jeweler completely remake our wedding rings just a few weeks before the wedding because I wanted a different style? Needless to say, being able to make up my mind is not one of my strong suits.

But, I figure my mom hasn’t steered me wrong yet, so I added her advice to my already over-cluttered mind and continued on my search. I spoke with my sister, my husband, an old college roommate, and even a co-worker, all in an attempt to gauge my interest. Was I merely feeling the need to follow in the footsteps of millions of women before me? Or was it simply a case of “Now I can, so I think I will?” Probably not the best motivation for having a child, wouldn’t you say?

It didn’t help that I soon began getting THE question. You know the one: “So when are you having kids?” I’ve never understood why this question seems to come from relative strangers. What was even funnier, was my response. Given my fragile state of mind over the issue, I found myself opening up to these people and confessing that, gasp, I didn’t know if I wanted kids!! To give them credit, they didn’t seem overly shocked or appalled, which made me feel a little better. Granted, they didn’t know all of the stuff going on in my head. If they had known, they may have labeled me as crazy or at the very least, spastic, what with all the worrying I’ve been doing.

What can I say, it’s been a busy first three months!